Saturday, November 20, 2010

One is the lonelest number. . .

I hate the way I feel when I am alone. I feel empty. Sometimes it's nice but when I've had a hard day and I feel like all I want you to do is hold me, having to be alone is the worst thing. Sometimes I don't know how to tell you how I feel. I just don't feel good about myself. I don't like who I am at times. I fear that others don't like me either. And I know I shouldn't care what other people think of me, but lets face it, we all do. All we really want out of life is to be accepted and loved by other people. It makes us feel more whole, more normal. Not so alone. Like we are apart of something bigger then ourselves. Being an only child, I think, only makes that longing even more precious. Throughout all my childhood, I always had to find away to amuse myself. I didn't have many friends, because I honestly don't think old children are raised with the proper social skills that kids with siblings are. We feel awkward at times when we are in group settings. I know I just don't feel like I fit in at times. Like I am always thinking a little differently then the next person. And now, being an adult, I feel like I have become anti-social in new settings and in relationships, I feel co-dependent. When I fall in love, I fall hard and even though I hate to admit it, I become "needy" of my partner. I like being close with them, being able to talk to them, and knowing no matter what they will be there for me. But I also expect them to know all this without me telling them. And I become frustrated or sad when they don't. Because that's all I've ever known when it came to me and my parents. They were always there for me and never had to split their attention between anyone else but me. So, no I don't enjoy going and sitting somewhere by myself. Or eating by myself, or shopping or anything else that I feel is normal in my world to have company to do with. And so sometimes I can make my partner feel bad for wanting to go out and hang out with his friends. I don't mean too, but in my head I don't understand who could be more important to be with then me. I know that sounds selfish and narrow minded but it is how I feel about being alone. I know it's not healthy for either of us but I don't know what to do about it. How can I feel better in my own skin? When I am alone, sometimes it feels like my skin is just crawling. I feel anxious but I don't know what to do to make myself feel better. To release this feeling of anxiety before I break down and cry or get mad. And then of course by the time my partner comes back home, I have to apologise for my actions. Even though in my head they seemed perfectly justified. So it's like I can't be who I am because others don't see that as being socially acceptable. So here I am again, having come full circle. I can't be who I am because that person is crazy to others. Sigh.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving. . . a time for "family"?

So I've noticed that, as more and more time goes by, the less people I spend my holidays with. When I was a kid it was the whole family. Mom, dad, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents (from both sides) and even some even more extended family that I wasn't even sure of the relation to them. When I got to be a teenager, grandparents started to pass away. Along with their passing my parents chose to spend the holidays apart from my aunt and uncle. It seemed that my grandma (my dad's mother) was the glue that held us all together for the major holidays and when she passed, the rest of us became more separated. So then for most of my late teens to early 20's it was just my mom and dad and the "boyfriend" at the time for the holidays. Then I met "the one" (or should I say the one at that time in my life) and we moved away. So for the past 7 years I haven't spent but one holiday with MY family. Sure he and I spent the holidays with his family, but it still didn't feel the same as I remembered. Then "the one" and I divorced and I spent the following year with "the rebound" and his mom. So for the most part it was down to just me and him and his mom. Now this year I find myself down to two. Me and "the one I hope will be the one". The difference here is that, he has no family. None at all. But that's a whole different story. He has many people in his life that have become "like family" to him, but none of them are actual family. I have met several of them over the time that we have been together. Some I adore and some I could do without, but I guess that comes with any "family" unit.

So for a moment I would like to jump to a somewhat different topic. I have been with my present boyfriend (Mr. "the one I hope will be the one") for almost a year now. He has met my friends and coworkers and I have met his friends and coworkers (which most he considers his "family"). But alas, he still has not met my parents (they live 1000 miles away BTW). At first, early on, it never really bothered me. Then as time went by we talked more and more about going to visit my parents out of state in the early fall. Well that time came and past. He wasn't ready to met them yet. He was still fighting with the "demons" in his head about taking the next step in meeting my parents. I was hurt underneath but I moved on, knowing that day would come in time if he was really serious about us. So now we are planning to visit them in the Spring. I am excited about that. And like I said before, I was disappointed that he didn't meet them sooner, but I never pushed the topic on him. I knew when the right time came he would meet them.

So Thanksgiving is upon us. A week away. I find my family 1000 miles away and my best friend and her family on vacation over the holiday. So I assume it will just be he and I this year. He mentioned volunteering at the local soup kitchen. I was all set for that! Something new, something we could do together and make memories from, plus we would be helping people who really had no one. Then he mentioned spending the day with several different friends/coworkers (his "family") that I had met before. We (I thought) pretty much had it narrowed down to one couple in particular. A couple that I respected and enjoyed spending time with. People that I could easily see becoming my "family" as well. I was comfortable with this. But now that has all changed. He has decided that we should spend the holiday with a couple that I have never met before and probably had no idea that I even existed until I heard him ask "can my girlfriend come too"?

This bothers me. A lot. I did not see myself spending a major holiday with people that I have never met before. Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed meeting many and all of his friends and coworkers; his "family". I know that these people are very important to him. But I do not think it is an appropriate time to meet a new couple on a major holiday for the first time. But he doesn't understand how I feel (so he says). He says these people are very important to him and very good people. (Now if this were the case, and I'm not saying that they are any less special then anyone else I have met, then why I have I not met them before this?) He tells me that I do not have to go with him. So then my choices are: spend the holiday with people I don't know, at all or spend it alone.

So now time to pull everything together. When it came to him shying away from meeting my parents (people that are obviously very important to me), I let it go. I got over it and now wait for the "right time" to come. And keep in mind I wasn't even asking him to meet them during any major event. But now I find myself being forced to meet his "family" or spend what was going to be our first major holiday, alone. How is this fair? Why do I have to tip toe around his feelings but it is ok to dismiss mine all together?

Saturday, October 2, 2010


Why am I so insecure at times? Why do I feel a sinking feeling when I am left alone? What happened to me that I find myself uncomfortable in my own sink at times? I have this feeling of abandonment when he wants to leave. Just to "hang out with the guys". That's innocent enough, isn't it? Maybe my relationship (or lack there of) with my ex-husband made me this way. He wasn't there at the important times that I really needed him. So now anyone else who comes along has to suffer for what someone else did to me. Like a scratch on a record. It will aways be there for everyone to hear no matter how it got there. I hate this about myself. Maybe this stems from something deeper and more far away then the past 6 years. Maybe it is due to a lack of friends when I was younger. Maybe it's because I was an only child. I learned at a very young age to accept being alone. But maybe that's the issue, is that I never accepted it. The hole just kept getting bigger and bigger and deeper and deeper as more time passed. I was never taught how to deal with these emotions of sadness and loneliness. I just remained in my own, safe, little isolated world. And now I am faced with the real world and it can be a big, sad, lonely place at times.
I want to be the person that says "sure go hang out with your friends and tell them I said 'hi'". I want to be able to trust him, because he has never really given me a reason not to. But I guess in the past, when I have left my guard down, is when I got hurt. So I am afraid. And nothing good will come from this fear. You cannot build a healthy relationship off of fear or mistrust. But I put these stupid ideas in my head. I think things like "am I really what he wants?" or "do I really make him as happy as he says I do?". Because what if I'm not and what if I don't? Maybe he will look for what he needs somewhere else? I think sometimes I hide behind his PTSD more then he does. I mean just because I read in one book that at times people who suffer from PTSD can have a hard time staying in a monogamous relationship because they were harmed by people who they were supposed to be able to trust, doesn't mean that it applies to EVERY PTSD sufferer. Now I am stereotyping. But maybe that's my way of passing the blame onto someone else. That it can't possibly be anything wrong with me. That I can't be the one with the "issues" of being alone. No no no no. It is easier to try to make sense out of blaming the person with the "label". And for that I am wrong.
I want to be a stronger person then I am right now. I was getting there, I really was. There was a time where I was beginning to let more and more people in and I had this wonderful support group. People that I could go to, be myself around, and not feel lonely with. But then something happened (again) and I found myself not being able to trust most of those people any longer. I let people in again and again I was hurt. And the cycle goes on and on and each time it happens my scars become deeper and deeper. So even though I claim to yern for people I can trust to fill my void, I am affraid to let anyone else in because I never know who I can really trust. It is a catch 22.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

I need to write, so I write this. . .

I need to write. It takes the pain that is in me and puts it out in the open. Out into reality. I feel so alone right now. But I have no idea why, because my partner is only in the other room. But we haven't talked all day. In fact I cried myself to sleep last night, cried again in the morning after he left for 5 hours. Cried again when he came home, only to lock himself in our bedroom without saying a word to me. And now he is just down the hall and we still haven't talked.

I have no idea what is going on. We have been doing so well for a good amount of time now. He was supportive when I had to leave town to be with my mother, he was caring when I was injured at work and needed his help with day to day things. And now, it's all fallen apart somehow. I guess it could be a relapse. Not everything is going to be perfect all the time with a PTSD survivor. The horrible demons in his head will never be gone forever. I just feel into the idea that they might be subsiding more and more.

Well this weekend (actually the last couple days) has been a wake up call. Things have been hard. It makes it hard to be happy at all when I feel so distant from someone who is right here. And don't even get me started trying to figure out why he has such a hard time accepting that I did something nice for him. Today we were supposed to be driving out of town to see his favorite baseball team play tomorrow. It was part of his Birthday gift. I really put a lot of thought behind it and planned it months ago. But he has been defiant about going from the first day I gave him the tickets. Last night he told me I was being "too sensitive", told me "if I wanted to play hardball that he could play hard", he slept on the sofa and told me if I was going to be upset that he wasn't going to the game Sunday.

Why I am being punished? I have no idea. Why am I not aloud to express my feelings (good and bad) without there being some kind of retaliation? I DON'T UNDERSTAND. I am a good person. I can be sensitive at times, and I'm sure I'm not easy to understand all the time either. But above all of that, I love him with all my heart. And he has told me within the same day that he made me cry in the morning, that he loves me too and that he is so glad that I came into his life and that I have made a huge impact on his life. So why do I feel so bad right now? Why has it been almost one whole day since we have talked?

So why don't I try to talk to him, you might ask? Because I am afraid of how he will react. I am a afraid that while trying to express my feelings he will feel threatened. And then he will shut down all over again. And shut me out again. I don't know what else to do. So I write.

Friday, July 23, 2010

So what about me. . .

Well I have been using this blog to talk about issues that I have had in my relationship with my boyfriend who suffers from PTSD. Good thing today I will not be writing anything about us. We are doing fine. Actually today is our 6 months anniversary together and things are good.

I need this time today to writing about something that just I am going through. My dad called me today (which he never does, he usually will just talk to me after I talk with my mom) so I knew right away that something was wrong. My mom has been having some issues with feeling nauseous all the time and in the last 3 weeks she has had blood in her urine. My dad told me that I needed to make sure to call her today because he had to take her to the emergency room Monday night. He said that he would let her tell me why but to just make sure to call her.

So I called her and got the usual talk out of the way. How am I, how is work, how is my relationship and so on. Then I got the "I know I should have called you sooner but . . .". She told me that she had been really sick in this past week. So much so that she had to have my dad take her to the emergency room at midnight on Monday. She has been telling my about how she feels nauseous all the time for a few months now. And then in the past month she has seen trace amounts of blood in her urine. Well Monday night it got so bad that she couldn't sleep and felt really bad. She went to the hospital and when she gave a urine sample she told me it was nothing but red blood. Not good. So now she is on some meds for both her bloody urine and the nauseousness. But she is a worrier and is very scared that she is not going to get better and that they will then have to run a bunch of tests. But besides being sick, they have no health insurance and that already racked up close to $1000 worth of bills. My dad has a small business that he works from out of their home and he gets a pension on disability monthly. That is their only income and it is very little. My mom is a worrier as I said already. But she takes worrying to a whole new level. She will only make herself sicker if she does not decompress her worries and feelings. The stress from it all will make her recovery very hard.

So now I am worried. I think. I really don't feel anything right now. No tears have fallen. Stomach is not in knots. And I feel guilty for not feeling. I mean I love my mom and I am worried but I feel like I'm not as worried as I should be. I feel bad for that. I guess maybe it is my way to be strong for her and my dad but I know it is going to hit me sooner or later and then what? I don't really know what to do.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

. . . and the Cheese

Part of me wants to break down in tears. It would feel good to be weak and just start to cry. It always does. But then we both hurt. I take the easy way out to get what I need (tears vs just telling him that he hurt my feelings) and he feels bad for making me cry. It's a circle. But I remember reading in my Al-non book that I have to be in charge of my happiness. No one else should control that. But I am happiest when we are happy together. When I don't have to worry about walking on egg shells. When I don't have the urge to have to Blog or write in a journal because the feelings inside of me make me feel like I am going to burst.

He came home (after a 2 hour dinner or whatever) and never said a word to me. Just went about his business like nothing had happened. He is a very smart and caring man. So for me to think that he didn't realize his words were hurtful, is hard for me to believe. So if he did realize, at dinner maybe, that he was hurtful towards me, then why doesn't he try to make it better? Granted I didn't say anything to him either when he came home. I suppose I could have asked him how his dinner was or where he went. I could have made the attempt to break the ice, right? But I was too afraid to. Afraid that he would reject me further. Say more hurtful things, because maybe he didn't realize what he did. So then we would have argued or I would have cried. And there we are, back at the beginning of the circle.

I do love him. I remind myself of that ever second. It is just so hard living with his PTSD some days. Some days it is easier and things just flow. Love flows. And other days, the love is still there, but the anger and insecurities from the PTSD flood everything. And then my eyes, over flow with tears.

Pass the bread please. . .

Sorry I haven't blogged in awhile. But there is a plus side to that. The reason I haven't blogged is because we have been getting along so well over almost the past two weeks. No fights, no out bursts, no hurtful words. But as you can see I said "almost" the past two weeks. Last night and into this evening was the deal breaker.

Last night we had a little tiff. Nothing really worth mentioning but hurtful actions were in place. But I pushed through that and woke up in a positive frame of mind. The whole day went really well. I was in such a good mood that I suggested to him that I cook dinner tonight. Make spaghetti with garlic bread. At first he was excited. Said it sounded good. But there was a "but". He asked me to go to the store and pick up some bread (french bread, because garlic or sourdough wouldn't do) and a special kind of cheese, even though we had cheese already as well. That request caught me off guard a little. I explained that (in a very non-threatening way) I was offering to take the time to make dinner, so if he would like something that we didn't already have at home, I asked him to please pick it up himself on his way home. The response to that was never mind, forget it, I will eat by myself (meaning I will go out to dinner by myself). So with that, I tried to bring up the fact that if he was going to take the time to go out and eat that he should just use that time to go get the bread and cheese and bring them home and dinner would be ready. No, he didn't like that either. Just told me to forget it. So for the most part I did. I figured that since I have off tomorrow that I would just make the meal tomorrow night. No big deal.

Well then he came home and that's when the venom was starting to be sprayed. First thing he says when he comes in is "are you going to make dinner or not?". I told him I didn't because he told me to forget it because I didn't want to have to go to the store. That's when I was told (in a nasty, bitter, voice: "would it have been that hard for you to go to the store? No I don't think it would have been. I mean you get home before me anyways" (keeping in mind that the reason I get home before him is because I also go to work 2 hours earlier then he does, including the fact that I have to drive 20miles to work, so I have to be up by 4:30am every morning). I sat in silence, knowing that responding to anything he was continuing to say, would have only made things worse. But in my head I felt belittled and worthless. My whole intention behind making us a nice dinner was just that, to do something nice. Instead I am talked down to, and he did continue to get ready and leave the house, without saying one word to me.

It makes me feel very sad inside. I know I didn't deserve what happened. I didn't do anything wrong, but it still hurt. We were doing so well and now this. I know I can get past this, but I fear what will happen tonight when he comes home. Of course I will probably remain distant, and he will pick up on it, ask what it is wrong, and no matter what I tell him about how he made me feel, it will still be my fault. So I sit here and type my emotions away to no one. I do love him. We have had some really nice moments together recently. Moments that I wish could be an everyday experience. But unfortunately PTSD had to rear it's ugly head in the midst of it all.

I have to wonder if, after more and more time passes, if these outbursts will continue to become farther and farther apart? That is a positive way to think, right? Maybe next time we will make it to two weeks and then three and then a month?

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Going Up. . .

Ok so my anxiety level just went up a little. I know I'm probably just being silly and insecure but it is what it is. He just got up and left. Said he would be back in a little while and that he needed to take care of some "stuff". He grabbed his AA book and left. That worries me. I mean I know not everything is about me, but why would he just leave like that? Was is something I did? I mean we had a little tiff but it was honestly nothing even worth mentioning. It wasn't even something that would have been PTSD related. Still he left. I know he sponsors someone else so maybe that person just needed to talk to him. I don't know. And I realize that these meetings are a personal and private thing for the people involved but I feel like I'm in the dark a lot. I just wish some days that if it was something that was bothering about me or about us, that he would talk to me about it. I mean it's that what you are supposed to do in a relationship? I mean sure I talk to my friends sometimes about issues I have, but he is usually the most important one to me when it comes to things that deal with us. I'm sure that I am just being silly. It's probably nothing I did. It is my own insecurity and I need to learn how to deal with it.

I actually got an email today from someone in a PTSD forum that I have posted in. She said she cold relate to my story and my issues. She was dating someone just like my guy. The only difference is that she had to end her relationship because it started to effect her mental status. I hope that is never the case between us. I pray that no matter what we will be able to work through tuff times. I guess with that said I really need to check into getting help myself for times when I am feeling down or not sure of myself. I mean he is getting that help. He has people to talk to, but I don't. I surely do not want to be the reason that we have to end our relationship. I mean I read in my Al-non book all the time about the friends and family of the victim having to take care of themselves first. That if they are not ok, they cannot possibly try to be there for their loved one. So I need to help myself. I need to remember the kitten story. That I am like a little kitten. I am innocent and deserve love. And I need to picture myself that way so that I can love and take care of my self and my emotions.

Well my rambleing on and on has some what helped take my anexity level down. I do hope he comes home soon. And I will be waiting with open arms when he does.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

So far, so good

Well today is a new day and so far we have been having a pretty good 4th of July weekend together. This morning he went off to his AA meeting, so this leaves me some alone time to blog a little.

Last night we had a really good time together with some friends. Went out for dinner and then some family fun of bowling and playing video games. I think for the first time in a long time I really saw him having fun and being himself with no reservations. I liked it a lot. I liked just watching him having a good time. Later on I learned that he enjoyed watching me too. Said I'd looked really pretty having so much fun with him and my friends. That was nice to hear. Sometimes I don't think he is paying attention to the same things I am and then he always surprises me and I find out that he was!

We did wake up at 2:30am this morning because he was having a nightmare/flashback. He woke me up because he was yelling in his sleep. That just breaks my heart when that happens. He usually doesn't remember what he was dreaming about after I wake him up but the sheer sound of him in pain or being afraid of what his own mind is doing to him, just kills me. So we sat up for a little while. I was rubbing his back trying to help him fall back asleep again. He tried to thank me for it. I told him he never had to thank me for comforting him. I love him and I know he would do the same for me. I wish I could make all those bad things in him subconscious mind go away forever. But one thing that I have noticed is that ever since we have been living together, this has been the first really bad nightmare he has had. Before we were living together and I would just spend the night on the weekends, he would have one almost every weekend. I have to wonder if me being here has anything to do with it? I mean I'm not looking to take credit for anything, but I hope that me being around helps to comfort and settle him. I want him to feel my love for him and know that I will always be there for him.

I guess, no matter what, we all have to take the good with the bad. That is what real love is. When you are no longer willing to deal with the bad, is when the true love starts to fade. This relationship is worth it to me. Worth it for me to keep my head held high and just take each day at a time. I love him that much.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Light at the End of the Tunnel

I have found a lot of resources on the Internet these last few days. A lot of Blogs and message boards for other people who are affected by a loved one's fight with PTSD. In a sick way it is very comforting to know that I am not alone. There are other people out there going through the same things that I am. The walking on eggshells, the crying, the feeling not good enough, or that it is their fault. Reading other peoples posts is comforting.

I have to say that one fear I do have from being in my current relationship, is that, I will loose who I am. I am starting to realize that when things between us are rough, that I don't have it in me to cry as often. In away that is a good thing and a relief for my eyes but I feel like I am loosing my innocents at the same time. That one day I will just wake up and be a totally unemotional person. A zombie of some sorts. But on the other hand maybe that is a sign that I am growing. That I am, a little at a time, realizing that it is not my fault.

I love my partner very very much. I always tell him that I love him more then he can realize. I am a strong person and I know we can make it, but I can also see that there is a long road ahead of us.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Going Numb

I've been put down so many times that the tears won't even flow at times. I'm starting to feel numb. I feel hurt and alone and totally rejected. Tonight I tried to make love to my partner only to be shut down physically as well as emotionally. We hadn't made love for about a week and a half now, and I could tell he was starting to feel the need to be close with me. Lately I have been struggling with female issues that have put my hormones in a tizzy. I've already made an appointment with my doctor to talk about the issue. But tonight was different. We had had a good evening together and I really wanted to make up lost time with him. I was enjoying trying to turn him on and make him feel good. But then he stops me and says it is getting late and that he had to work in the morning. That was somewhat understandable but what followed was hurtful. Of course I felt rejected so I got up and decided to go and read in the living room. He then proceeded to yell from the bedroom that I was being "selfish" and "not thinking about his needs at all". I chose to ignore those words because I knew if I said anything in response that it would only escalate the issue. But it was his choice to then come into the living room and spew more venom at me. Telling me again that I was being selfish and not thinking about him at all. At that point I tried to explain to him that the whole reason I was coming on to him was because I felt bad for being distant these last few weeks. He continued to tell me that this was all bullshit and then after shutting the door and going back to bed, yelled from the bedroom that he would not sleep with me in the same room anymore, that this was all bullshit.

So I found myself on the edge of going to tears when I realized that I didn't have it in me to cry for him tonight. I'm tired of crying. I want to be loving. Loving him, loving me. I just don't understand why he pushes me away. Why? What am I doing wrong? Was I being selfish? Should I have not felt rejected and just let it go? I'm getting better and better at walking on egg shells but some topics are hard to get around. Being rejected in the bedroom is very painful. Being with someone intimately is the most vulnerable thing two people can do together. It feels like a razor sharp knife going through me knowing that I will be the one to sleep on the sofa tonight. To know that tomorrow morning will start similar to this morning. I will feel alone, rejected, and be second guessing myself until later on when I hear from him and he apologizes.

It is a horrible circle of emotions to be stuck in. I know why he does it, but then again I don't. I find myself wondering if it is his PTSD or if it is just me? I've never been so unsure of myself before. Having to watch everything I say and do with the one person that I should be able to be myself with. But I guess I have to be strong. Strong for both of us for now. I'm so tired and my eyes hurt and my heart aches.

Getting Started. Welcome!

Hello fellow bloggers. As you can see this is my first post and to be honest it is my first ever Blog. I have always been a journal writer but I've reached a point where writing for just myself isn't enough. With this Blog I hope to meet new people and together we can learn and grow and support each other at those times when we feel like no one else could possibly understand us. So here is a little information about myself, my loved one and our journey together.

I am 30 years old and in a fairly new (going on 6 months) relationship with a wonderful man who is a PTSD survivor. He is 34 years old and PTSD has been apart of his life since his early teens. He has endured horrible things that no human should ever have to encounter in their life. From having family members brutally killed, being sexually and mentally abused at a young age, watching all of his childhood possessions and memories being burned before his eyes. To dealing with the stresses that come with seeking revenge against his family's murderers, as well as being moved from one country to another, and then after being diagnosed with PTSD having to face issues with drugs, alcohol, and an abusive relationship. He is truly a survivor. He took his destiny into his own hands and sought out the help that he needed to become the upstanding person he is today. From going into rehab, going to weekly meetings, and following through with psychological help he has grown and morphed from his former self. Most people I feel would have never made it as far as he has. He is a very successful person in his place of employment and he plays an active role in his community helping others who have faced similar shortcomings. He is honest, very eccentric, and is the love of my life.

But loving him, means loving him with his PTSD. Although he has come along way in his personal journey, his PTSD haunts our relationship.

So now a little about us and how we met and where I am in our journey together.

We met unofficially about a year ago at my place of work. We do not work together for the same company but my place of employment uses his place of employment service's on a daily basis. We only talked briefly in the beginning. A hello here or a thank you there, nothing to write home about. Then about 6 months in, he started to express his interest in me to my co-workers. Unfortunately at the time I was in a relationship but they encouraged him to pursue me anyways. So one day after weeks of myself knowing that he was interested, he asked me out. I now know that it took him a great amount of courage to do this. Sadly for him, I explained that I was seeing someone, but I did tell him that I would keep him in my mind. So more time passed. Seasons and holidays had went by and changed. I had also changed. I had broken off the relationship that I was in. It was for the better and I felt no yearning for that person any longer. Just not meant to be, I guess is what you would say. Now I believe that everything happens for a reason. That when one door closes there is always another one opening. So after about a week went by my work place admirer asked me out again! I was shocked at the timing. I asked my co-workers if they had told him that I was single again, but they all swore they hadn't spoke a word. So he asked me if we could get together sometime. We exchanged numbers, went on our first date that weekend, and have been together ever since. We recently have moved in together as well (which adds a twist to everything).

So there it is in a nutshell. Boy meets girl, boy loves girl before she even realizes it, so in time girl lets boy into her life. Now girl is having to learn how to love all over again. I have realized that loving someone and being in a relationship with someone who suffers from PTSD is like no other relationship I have had in the past. I have been married and divorced and faced all the troubles that came in between, but those experiences are nothing like what I am experiencing in my current relationship. In my marriage we drifted apart, together, if that makes sense. In my current relationship, I am trying to get closer to someone that has a hard time letting anyone in. It's like loving a cactus. They are prickly on the outside and hard to get close to, but with love, sunshine, a little water and most importantly time, they bloom one or two beautiful blooms.

My plan for this blog is to use it as a place to vent and learn how to cope better in my relationship. A place where I can learn about myself and hopefully anyone out there who may read it can offer advice or maybe even learn that they are not alone. I have done my own research on PTSD and have talked many times with my love about the subject but I still have a long journey ahead of me. But he is worth it. We are worth it. Please feel free to post your feelings, your own adventures with PTSD or other similar disorders, or just say hello!