Sunday, July 10, 2011

I feel so alone and out of control

I feel so alone right now.  I have no one to talk to, at least no one who will understand.  Because no one can understand why I would stay with a man that treats me so bad sometimes.  I love him so much, and I try so hard to walk the line between what is good for him and what I need for myself.  I give up a lot of who I am by being with him.  He hurts my feelings and at times doesn't treat me as his equal.  Instead I am just someone who lives here with him.  Some days, like today, it is so hard to feel his love.  He tells me one day that he "lives for me" and then within a blink of an eye he is putting me down.  Whether it's telling me what I should or shouldn't wear, or how I should do my hair, to forgetting to pay bills and then trying to blame his lake of responsibility on me.  I am just so sad inside.  I put on such a mask to so many people, including myself.  I have become one of those stupid, STUPID women that stay with a man who beats them.  They say it is because "he really does love me".  I am that stupid girl.  I am weak.  I am afraid to be without him.  I'm afraid that he will turn into another one of my failures if I give up on us.  He tries to tell me that I am controlling, that I don't let him do anything.  But I am the one that gets left at home when he leaves me, I am the one who's feelings get hurt when he doesn't like the way I've dressed or is made to feel ungrateful when I am tried at the end of the day and don't want to make him, his dinner and so on.  I walk on eggshells so often.  I am, at times, afraid to be me, just to avoid a day like today.  Yesterday when I bought the new shorts that I got, I knew he wouldn't like them.  But I did. I DID.  So I bought them anyways.  And as soon as I put them on I get a dirty look and I am told that I need to dress my age and don't wear things that are so short.  And then heaven forbid I do my hair any differently because he will be blatantly honest about how he doesn't like the way it looks either.  And he can be so rude to me.  I swear there are times he cares more about baseball scores then being on a date with me.  I forget trying to have an intimate moment together.  If I can convince him to come to bed with me, I then have to "do" everything, never having my needs met.  I have no idea some days why I stay.  I tell myself that he is getting better, or that most the time it is not my fault but at times like right now, that doesn't heal my breaking heart.  He is supposed to be the one that comforts me when I am feeling down.  To tell me I look pretty or to make me feel special and loved.  But I feel like I am the one who has to do that for the both of us all the time.  I don't know what to do.  This entry must seem so desperate.  So sad.