Well today is a new day and so far we have been having a pretty good 4th of July weekend together. This morning he went off to his AA meeting, so this leaves me some alone time to blog a little.
Last night we had a really good time together with some friends. Went out for dinner and then some family fun of bowling and playing video games. I think for the first time in a long time I really saw him having fun and being himself with no reservations. I liked it a lot. I liked just watching him having a good time. Later on I learned that he enjoyed watching me too. Said I'd looked really pretty having so much fun with him and my friends. That was nice to hear. Sometimes I don't think he is paying attention to the same things I am and then he always surprises me and I find out that he was!
We did wake up at 2:30am this morning because he was having a nightmare/flashback. He woke me up because he was yelling in his sleep. That just breaks my heart when that happens. He usually doesn't remember what he was dreaming about after I wake him up but the sheer sound of him in pain or being afraid of what his own mind is doing to him, just kills me. So we sat up for a little while. I was rubbing his back trying to help him fall back asleep again. He tried to thank me for it. I told him he never had to thank me for comforting him. I love him and I know he would do the same for me. I wish I could make all those bad things in him subconscious mind go away forever. But one thing that I have noticed is that ever since we have been living together, this has been the first really bad nightmare he has had. Before we were living together and I would just spend the night on the weekends, he would have one almost every weekend. I have to wonder if me being here has anything to do with it? I mean I'm not looking to take credit for anything, but I hope that me being around helps to comfort and settle him. I want him to feel my love for him and know that I will always be there for him.
I guess, no matter what, we all have to take the good with the bad. That is what real love is. When you are no longer willing to deal with the bad, is when the true love starts to fade. This relationship is worth it to me. Worth it for me to keep my head held high and just take each day at a time. I love him that much.