Well things did not go as planned tonight. It seems like every time I get up on a Friday and tell myself "I hope it's going to be a good weekend", it usually doesn't turn out that way. I think I jinks myself or something. Maybe I should just start wishing for a bad weekend and then the opposite of that will happen too?
This was the angriest I have seen him get in awhile. There was tension throughout our whole dinner. For the most part we did just talk and enjoy each other, but the restaurant was busy and the service was bad and he was very hungry. That was the first ingredient for the recipe of a evening that would end badly. Then on the way home he began to tell me how I ruined the night and how ungrateful I am. Then on top of that he purposely started driving erratically to scare me. When we finally got home he went to the door, unlocked it, and turn and left. As I heard his tires squealing I couldn't help but cry. (Oh yeah and he reminded me in an early conversation of how he felt I was weak because I cry).
But I know that I am not weak. I am a strong, loving, good hearted person, who, when in love, loves with all her heart. That's why I cry after his outbursts. Because I know he doesn't mean them and I know he loves me, but sometimes it just all makes my cup overflow. I can only take so much. It's like having an emotional gas tank. I can hold a certain amount of ill feelings, but if you continue to fill me up with them, I will overflow. Cause and effect.
I really try so hard not to trigger him. I smile when I don't want to. I hold down my anger when it's really hard to. I curb my body language as much as I can when I need to. But sometimes there is no force in the world that is strong enough to keep his triggers at bay.
But I stay. That is how I know I am strong, because I stay. It would be easy to throw in the towel and in a couple of months forget that I even had a relationship with him. But that's not what I want. I want him in all his forms, for always. I have a secret vow in my heart, to never give up on us. Because beneath it all. Beneath all the pain and hurt and crazies that goes on in his head, he loves me on a level that know one else ever has. And I love him on a level even higher then that, because I won't give up. Period.