Saturday, May 7, 2011

Signing a lease, going to a concert, Mother's Day and moving in a week. More stress? Yes, please!

If I make it through this weekend in one piece or at least without having to take any meds, it will be amazing. And I do hope to amaze myself because that means I am learning. There is so much going on in these next few weeks, that I am personally stressed out about, that having to deal with his stressors on top of it will be a challenge.

We are moving into a new apartment next week and going to sign off on everything this morning. And then later on this evening we are going to our first concert together. So far the only thing that has been rough is dealing with the moving. He really hasn't mentioned that much about the concert. I hope that is a good thing. I know we will enjoy it as long as it doesn't become too over stimulating.

Then tomorrow is Mother's Day. So far he hasn't made any references to any of his feelings about the holiday but I'm sure he must be missing his mom. He lost her so tragically so many years ago, but it still haunts him every year. Luckily my mom doesn't live in the same state so tomorrow should pretty much go by like any other day. No dinners with mom or anything like that to set off any triggers.

I guess maybe I'm just bracing myself this morning by writing here now. Part of me thinks its a good thing and the other part of me wonders if I am just setting myself up to fail? I guess only time will tell. Good luck to us!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Trying to understand and having it back-fire in my face!

Ok so we just finished watching a movie called "The Dry Land". It is about a solder that comes back from the Middle East and his struggles to re-adjust to everyday life. During the whole movie it is very apparent that he suffers from PTSD. (This movie was suggested to me by one of the PTSD Facebook pages I follow). It was a good look at the beginning stages of this mental disorder. All and all my boyfriend and I liked it. He even told me that he liked it because it reminded him of his past struggles and that he was glad that I was taking an interest in trying to understand him more and more.

Well then something started to take a turn. He started asking me "why I was with him" and that "I could find someone more normal if I wanted to". I told him I was with him because I loved the man he was and that PTSD didn't define him. And that no one is really "normal". That we all have our issues. After that we started to watch the news. A story came on about a girl that was held against her will by 4 boys while two of them raped her. I began to tell him that, that's why I get scared sometimes. That I don't trust anyone and that I feel like he couldn't completely understand because I felt it was different for a man to understand then a woman. We tried to have a conversation about that and we both got a little defensive. I tried to back off but it was too late. He started to tell me that I always did this. That I never let him finish anything. That I always said stuff to piss him off. Then he stormed off and slammed the bedroom door behind him. So I went into the other room and got online to "go to OZ", my happy place. I figured that would be the last that I would see him tonight but instead he came back in the room I was in and with a raised voice, asked me why I always seemed to piss him off? That for the last three nights he has went to bed mad. I could tell there was no way we were going to have a civil conversation, so I told him I didn't want to discuss it right now. Then he again told me how mad I always make him. I didn't say anything in response. He then asked me why I was ignoring him. So I told him that I heard everything that he had told me but that I didn't have a response for him right now. So off to bed he went and here I sit.

So now I find myself wondering if watching the movie was a good idea at all? That maybe things like this were better off for me to do alone. I think it hit a trigger in him inadvertently. Sometimes I feel like I can't win for losing. But one thing is that I feel like I am starting to handle these outbursts better and better as more time goes by.