I've been put down so many times that the tears won't even flow at times. I'm starting to feel numb. I feel hurt and alone and totally rejected. Tonight I tried to make love to my partner only to be shut down physically as well as emotionally. We hadn't made love for about a week and a half now, and I could tell he was starting to feel the need to be close with me. Lately I have been struggling with female issues that have put my hormones in a tizzy. I've already made an appointment with my doctor to talk about the issue. But tonight was different. We had had a good evening together and I really wanted to make up lost time with him. I was enjoying trying to turn him on and make him feel good. But then he stops me and says it is getting late and that he had to work in the morning. That was somewhat understandable but what followed was hurtful. Of course I felt rejected so I got up and decided to go and read in the living room. He then proceeded to yell from the bedroom that I was being "selfish" and "not thinking about his needs at all". I chose to ignore those words because I knew if I said anything in response that it would only escalate the issue. But it was his choice to then come into the living room and spew more venom at me. Telling me again that I was being selfish and not thinking about him at all. At that point I tried to explain to him that the whole reason I was coming on to him was because I felt bad for being distant these last few weeks. He continued to tell me that this was all bullshit and then after shutting the door and going back to bed, yelled from the bedroom that he would not sleep with me in the same room anymore, that this was all bullshit.
So I found myself on the edge of going to tears when I realized that I didn't have it in me to cry for him tonight. I'm tired of crying. I want to be loving. Loving him, loving me. I just don't understand why he pushes me away. Why? What am I doing wrong? Was I being selfish? Should I have not felt rejected and just let it go? I'm getting better and better at walking on egg shells but some topics are hard to get around. Being rejected in the bedroom is very painful. Being with someone intimately is the most vulnerable thing two people can do together. It feels like a razor sharp knife going through me knowing that I will be the one to sleep on the sofa tonight. To know that tomorrow morning will start similar to this morning. I will feel alone, rejected, and be second guessing myself until later on when I hear from him and he apologizes.
It is a horrible circle of emotions to be stuck in. I know why he does it, but then again I don't. I find myself wondering if it is his PTSD or if it is just me? I've never been so unsure of myself before. Having to watch everything I say and do with the one person that I should be able to be myself with. But I guess I have to be strong. Strong for both of us for now. I'm so tired and my eyes hurt and my heart aches.