Thursday, July 15, 2010

Pass the bread please. . .

Sorry I haven't blogged in awhile. But there is a plus side to that. The reason I haven't blogged is because we have been getting along so well over almost the past two weeks. No fights, no out bursts, no hurtful words. But as you can see I said "almost" the past two weeks. Last night and into this evening was the deal breaker.

Last night we had a little tiff. Nothing really worth mentioning but hurtful actions were in place. But I pushed through that and woke up in a positive frame of mind. The whole day went really well. I was in such a good mood that I suggested to him that I cook dinner tonight. Make spaghetti with garlic bread. At first he was excited. Said it sounded good. But there was a "but". He asked me to go to the store and pick up some bread (french bread, because garlic or sourdough wouldn't do) and a special kind of cheese, even though we had cheese already as well. That request caught me off guard a little. I explained that (in a very non-threatening way) I was offering to take the time to make dinner, so if he would like something that we didn't already have at home, I asked him to please pick it up himself on his way home. The response to that was never mind, forget it, I will eat by myself (meaning I will go out to dinner by myself). So with that, I tried to bring up the fact that if he was going to take the time to go out and eat that he should just use that time to go get the bread and cheese and bring them home and dinner would be ready. No, he didn't like that either. Just told me to forget it. So for the most part I did. I figured that since I have off tomorrow that I would just make the meal tomorrow night. No big deal.

Well then he came home and that's when the venom was starting to be sprayed. First thing he says when he comes in is "are you going to make dinner or not?". I told him I didn't because he told me to forget it because I didn't want to have to go to the store. That's when I was told (in a nasty, bitter, voice: "would it have been that hard for you to go to the store? No I don't think it would have been. I mean you get home before me anyways" (keeping in mind that the reason I get home before him is because I also go to work 2 hours earlier then he does, including the fact that I have to drive 20miles to work, so I have to be up by 4:30am every morning). I sat in silence, knowing that responding to anything he was continuing to say, would have only made things worse. But in my head I felt belittled and worthless. My whole intention behind making us a nice dinner was just that, to do something nice. Instead I am talked down to, and he did continue to get ready and leave the house, without saying one word to me.

It makes me feel very sad inside. I know I didn't deserve what happened. I didn't do anything wrong, but it still hurt. We were doing so well and now this. I know I can get past this, but I fear what will happen tonight when he comes home. Of course I will probably remain distant, and he will pick up on it, ask what it is wrong, and no matter what I tell him about how he made me feel, it will still be my fault. So I sit here and type my emotions away to no one. I do love him. We have had some really nice moments together recently. Moments that I wish could be an everyday experience. But unfortunately PTSD had to rear it's ugly head in the midst of it all.

I have to wonder if, after more and more time passes, if these outbursts will continue to become farther and farther apart? That is a positive way to think, right? Maybe next time we will make it to two weeks and then three and then a month?

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