Friday, July 23, 2010

So what about me. . .

Well I have been using this blog to talk about issues that I have had in my relationship with my boyfriend who suffers from PTSD. Good thing today I will not be writing anything about us. We are doing fine. Actually today is our 6 months anniversary together and things are good.

I need this time today to writing about something that just I am going through. My dad called me today (which he never does, he usually will just talk to me after I talk with my mom) so I knew right away that something was wrong. My mom has been having some issues with feeling nauseous all the time and in the last 3 weeks she has had blood in her urine. My dad told me that I needed to make sure to call her today because he had to take her to the emergency room Monday night. He said that he would let her tell me why but to just make sure to call her.

So I called her and got the usual talk out of the way. How am I, how is work, how is my relationship and so on. Then I got the "I know I should have called you sooner but . . .". She told me that she had been really sick in this past week. So much so that she had to have my dad take her to the emergency room at midnight on Monday. She has been telling my about how she feels nauseous all the time for a few months now. And then in the past month she has seen trace amounts of blood in her urine. Well Monday night it got so bad that she couldn't sleep and felt really bad. She went to the hospital and when she gave a urine sample she told me it was nothing but red blood. Not good. So now she is on some meds for both her bloody urine and the nauseousness. But she is a worrier and is very scared that she is not going to get better and that they will then have to run a bunch of tests. But besides being sick, they have no health insurance and that already racked up close to $1000 worth of bills. My dad has a small business that he works from out of their home and he gets a pension on disability monthly. That is their only income and it is very little. My mom is a worrier as I said already. But she takes worrying to a whole new level. She will only make herself sicker if she does not decompress her worries and feelings. The stress from it all will make her recovery very hard.

So now I am worried. I think. I really don't feel anything right now. No tears have fallen. Stomach is not in knots. And I feel guilty for not feeling. I mean I love my mom and I am worried but I feel like I'm not as worried as I should be. I feel bad for that. I guess maybe it is my way to be strong for her and my dad but I know it is going to hit me sooner or later and then what? I don't really know what to do.

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