Saturday, August 14, 2010

I need to write, so I write this. . .

I need to write. It takes the pain that is in me and puts it out in the open. Out into reality. I feel so alone right now. But I have no idea why, because my partner is only in the other room. But we haven't talked all day. In fact I cried myself to sleep last night, cried again in the morning after he left for 5 hours. Cried again when he came home, only to lock himself in our bedroom without saying a word to me. And now he is just down the hall and we still haven't talked.

I have no idea what is going on. We have been doing so well for a good amount of time now. He was supportive when I had to leave town to be with my mother, he was caring when I was injured at work and needed his help with day to day things. And now, it's all fallen apart somehow. I guess it could be a relapse. Not everything is going to be perfect all the time with a PTSD survivor. The horrible demons in his head will never be gone forever. I just feel into the idea that they might be subsiding more and more.

Well this weekend (actually the last couple days) has been a wake up call. Things have been hard. It makes it hard to be happy at all when I feel so distant from someone who is right here. And don't even get me started trying to figure out why he has such a hard time accepting that I did something nice for him. Today we were supposed to be driving out of town to see his favorite baseball team play tomorrow. It was part of his Birthday gift. I really put a lot of thought behind it and planned it months ago. But he has been defiant about going from the first day I gave him the tickets. Last night he told me I was being "too sensitive", told me "if I wanted to play hardball that he could play hard", he slept on the sofa and told me if I was going to be upset that he wasn't going to the game Sunday.

Why I am being punished? I have no idea. Why am I not aloud to express my feelings (good and bad) without there being some kind of retaliation? I DON'T UNDERSTAND. I am a good person. I can be sensitive at times, and I'm sure I'm not easy to understand all the time either. But above all of that, I love him with all my heart. And he has told me within the same day that he made me cry in the morning, that he loves me too and that he is so glad that I came into his life and that I have made a huge impact on his life. So why do I feel so bad right now? Why has it been almost one whole day since we have talked?

So why don't I try to talk to him, you might ask? Because I am afraid of how he will react. I am a afraid that while trying to express my feelings he will feel threatened. And then he will shut down all over again. And shut me out again. I don't know what else to do. So I write.

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