Saturday, October 2, 2010


Why am I so insecure at times? Why do I feel a sinking feeling when I am left alone? What happened to me that I find myself uncomfortable in my own sink at times? I have this feeling of abandonment when he wants to leave. Just to "hang out with the guys". That's innocent enough, isn't it? Maybe my relationship (or lack there of) with my ex-husband made me this way. He wasn't there at the important times that I really needed him. So now anyone else who comes along has to suffer for what someone else did to me. Like a scratch on a record. It will aways be there for everyone to hear no matter how it got there. I hate this about myself. Maybe this stems from something deeper and more far away then the past 6 years. Maybe it is due to a lack of friends when I was younger. Maybe it's because I was an only child. I learned at a very young age to accept being alone. But maybe that's the issue, is that I never accepted it. The hole just kept getting bigger and bigger and deeper and deeper as more time passed. I was never taught how to deal with these emotions of sadness and loneliness. I just remained in my own, safe, little isolated world. And now I am faced with the real world and it can be a big, sad, lonely place at times.
I want to be the person that says "sure go hang out with your friends and tell them I said 'hi'". I want to be able to trust him, because he has never really given me a reason not to. But I guess in the past, when I have left my guard down, is when I got hurt. So I am afraid. And nothing good will come from this fear. You cannot build a healthy relationship off of fear or mistrust. But I put these stupid ideas in my head. I think things like "am I really what he wants?" or "do I really make him as happy as he says I do?". Because what if I'm not and what if I don't? Maybe he will look for what he needs somewhere else? I think sometimes I hide behind his PTSD more then he does. I mean just because I read in one book that at times people who suffer from PTSD can have a hard time staying in a monogamous relationship because they were harmed by people who they were supposed to be able to trust, doesn't mean that it applies to EVERY PTSD sufferer. Now I am stereotyping. But maybe that's my way of passing the blame onto someone else. That it can't possibly be anything wrong with me. That I can't be the one with the "issues" of being alone. No no no no. It is easier to try to make sense out of blaming the person with the "label". And for that I am wrong.
I want to be a stronger person then I am right now. I was getting there, I really was. There was a time where I was beginning to let more and more people in and I had this wonderful support group. People that I could go to, be myself around, and not feel lonely with. But then something happened (again) and I found myself not being able to trust most of those people any longer. I let people in again and again I was hurt. And the cycle goes on and on and each time it happens my scars become deeper and deeper. So even though I claim to yern for people I can trust to fill my void, I am affraid to let anyone else in because I never know who I can really trust. It is a catch 22.

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