Saturday, November 20, 2010

One is the lonelest number. . .

I hate the way I feel when I am alone. I feel empty. Sometimes it's nice but when I've had a hard day and I feel like all I want you to do is hold me, having to be alone is the worst thing. Sometimes I don't know how to tell you how I feel. I just don't feel good about myself. I don't like who I am at times. I fear that others don't like me either. And I know I shouldn't care what other people think of me, but lets face it, we all do. All we really want out of life is to be accepted and loved by other people. It makes us feel more whole, more normal. Not so alone. Like we are apart of something bigger then ourselves. Being an only child, I think, only makes that longing even more precious. Throughout all my childhood, I always had to find away to amuse myself. I didn't have many friends, because I honestly don't think old children are raised with the proper social skills that kids with siblings are. We feel awkward at times when we are in group settings. I know I just don't feel like I fit in at times. Like I am always thinking a little differently then the next person. And now, being an adult, I feel like I have become anti-social in new settings and in relationships, I feel co-dependent. When I fall in love, I fall hard and even though I hate to admit it, I become "needy" of my partner. I like being close with them, being able to talk to them, and knowing no matter what they will be there for me. But I also expect them to know all this without me telling them. And I become frustrated or sad when they don't. Because that's all I've ever known when it came to me and my parents. They were always there for me and never had to split their attention between anyone else but me. So, no I don't enjoy going and sitting somewhere by myself. Or eating by myself, or shopping or anything else that I feel is normal in my world to have company to do with. And so sometimes I can make my partner feel bad for wanting to go out and hang out with his friends. I don't mean too, but in my head I don't understand who could be more important to be with then me. I know that sounds selfish and narrow minded but it is how I feel about being alone. I know it's not healthy for either of us but I don't know what to do about it. How can I feel better in my own skin? When I am alone, sometimes it feels like my skin is just crawling. I feel anxious but I don't know what to do to make myself feel better. To release this feeling of anxiety before I break down and cry or get mad. And then of course by the time my partner comes back home, I have to apologise for my actions. Even though in my head they seemed perfectly justified. So it's like I can't be who I am because others don't see that as being socially acceptable. So here I am again, having come full circle. I can't be who I am because that person is crazy to others. Sigh.

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