F-U PTSD!

I am so f***king angry right now. Why the hell do I put up with this shit? Look, it's one thing if you want to pick on me and let your shitty PTSD out on me. I can handle it. I have to handle it. But it's another when you constantly take it out on things that are important to me. Like my pets. Don't get me wrong, he never actually hurts them, but he doesn't know how to act properly with animals. He thinks he can treat them like little stuffed toys that are there for his amusement. But I've had my cats since they were 6 weeks old, and I never have treated them like that. I have never had them hiss at me or bite me or cower in front on me. But he constantly is doing things to them that piss them off and because they are innocent animals, it pisses me off to no end!!!!

What it really comes down to is that if he does actually "care" about anything, then nothing can hurt him. If you don't let something love you, then you can never be hurt by it. So what better way to do that then to push things anyway just enough so that you won't ever feel anything for them.

I am so angry right now. I could seriously throw something at him just to get him to leave me alone!!! I asked him to leave but he won't. He says I should leave because he pays the rent. That no one is making me stay with him. That I should just pack up my shit and leave him because "we have been together too long, and he doesn't need this shit anymore". He doesn't need this shit anymore??? REALLY??? HE DOESN'T NEED THIS SHIT ANYMORE??? WHAT THE HELL ABOUT ME!!!??? I NEVER ASKED FOR THIS SHIT IN THE FIRST PLACE. I never asked to fall in love with a man that suffers from PTSD. That suffers from things in his past that he can't ever change. I mean when we were younger, we didn't even live in the same country. So why is it now I have to continue to suffer through everything right along with him?? Why me? I grew up normal, in a normal home with normal parents and friends. I'm sorry that didn't happen for him, and if I could change it I would, BUT I CAN'T, SO WHY DO I HAVE TO FIGHT THIS FIGHT TOO?

I hate you PTSD, I hate you, I hate you, I HATE YOU!!!!

What do you do with a lie?

I am concerned that my partner has been lying to me and if I find out that he has been, what do I do? 

See we came to an agreement last weekend that he was going to start taking his full dose of his anxiety meds as apposed to the half dose that he had starting taking.  He started to take the half dose over 6 months ago and I have only seen bad things come from that.  He triggers way to easily on only a half pill and every weekend was like a walking on egg shells for me.  He was just acting so nasty towards me on this lower dose.  I actually got to the point of contacting a therapist to help me deal with his PTSD. 

Well after he stepped back and could see how badly he had been treating me he promised me that he would start taking his full dose of meds again.  For a couple days, I think he had been.  But then all of a sudden, he started "hidding" his meds in the drawer when before they sat out in the open on the counter.  He told me that "I was going to have to trust him" that he was taking a full pill still.  Well he started triggering again these past few days.  Plus he kept asking me if I had noticed a difference in him and that it was going to take awhile for the pills to kick in.  I feel like he has just become way to focused on if I am noticing anything different and he is hiding his dose from me. 

So this morning while he was out, I counted the pills in the bottle.  There are 21 whole pills and 9 halfs.  Over the next couple days I am going to count them before he gets home from work.  I absolutely hate not feeling like I can trust him, but I can't.  And what am I going to do if I find out that he has been lying to me???  I mean I just can't say "oh its ok, lets just start taking the right dose" and then just dismiss that he had been lying to me and hiding things from me.  I mean if he can hide that, then what else could he be hiding??  I do know, that if I find out that he has been lying, I will start to see the therapist because I honestly will be at the end of my line.  If he breaks my trust, what else will I be able to do??

Feels like a winner at a losing game. . .

Some days I just feel like crying.  I feel that way tonight.  I feel out of control in my mind, even though my outward appearance is calm and quite.  I have a longing inside to feel loved.  To feel loved by the man that I have fallen in love with.  Some days it is so hard to feel his love.  Even though it may seen like nothing is wrong, I feel so alone inside.  I just want someone, him, to come and hold me and be "normal", if that even makes sense. 

I mean what is normal anyways?  I was married and divorced, and before I was divorced I thought that life was what normal was.  But then it wasn't, it was bruised and scarred and eventually fell apart.  And now in this new relationship with my man, and his PTSD, it feels completely different.  Different in good ways and in ways that I can't explain.  I know that he loves me with his whole being but it is just so hard to feel.   I don't think he even realizes how alone I can feel at times even though he is right there with me.  He is always so focused on himself.  I'm just supposed to be strong and keep moving forward everyday.  And I do.  All you can do is keep moving forward, but I just wish I didn't have to feel so alone.  I have this man, this man that if he asked I would marry.  But my biggest fear is that he will never ask.  The PTSD won't let him.  And I'm afraid that's not what I want for myself.  I want to be married again and even have a child with him.  But if that day never comes, then what exactly am I living for?  Certainly not myself, right?  I mean I can only put his needs before mine for so long.  I don't want to loose myself.  You can never get back lost time.

So I don't know what to do.  I want to just lay everything out on the table and tell him EXACTLY how I feel, but I know we will fight.  The PTSD and me.  It will take him over.  It will not let him answer my questions.  It will consume the conversation and nothing will be solved.  And then I will have a whole new mess to deal with.  And my original feelings will be pushed aside again and again and again and become even more lost time.  Sometimes I feel like life is like an hour glass and everyday you are struggling not to run out of sand.  But life shouldn't be a struggle and love should be easy, right?  I mean, I guess so.  Marriage is work, but if you have love, it makes things flow a little better even in the hardest times.  I think?

I feel like the night is swallowing me up and forcing my tears out.  I have no idea why I feel so down.  It scares me in away.  It makes me feel so small.  So sad.

I feel so alone and out of control

I feel so alone right now.  I have no one to talk to, at least no one who will understand.  Because no one can understand why I would stay with a man that treats me so bad sometimes.  I love him so much, and I try so hard to walk the line between what is good for him and what I need for myself.  I give up a lot of who I am by being with him.  He hurts my feelings and at times doesn't treat me as his equal.  Instead I am just someone who lives here with him.  Some days, like today, it is so hard to feel his love.  He tells me one day that he "lives for me" and then within a blink of an eye he is putting me down.  Whether it's telling me what I should or shouldn't wear, or how I should do my hair, to forgetting to pay bills and then trying to blame his lake of responsibility on me.  I am just so sad inside.  I put on such a mask to so many people, including myself.  I have become one of those stupid, STUPID women that stay with a man who beats them.  They say it is because "he really does love me".  I am that stupid girl.  I am weak.  I am afraid to be without him.  I'm afraid that he will turn into another one of my failures if I give up on us.  He tries to tell me that I am controlling, that I don't let him do anything.  But I am the one that gets left at home when he leaves me, I am the one who's feelings get hurt when he doesn't like the way I've dressed or is made to feel ungrateful when I am tried at the end of the day and don't want to make him, his dinner and so on.  I walk on eggshells so often.  I am, at times, afraid to be me, just to avoid a day like today.  Yesterday when I bought the new shorts that I got, I knew he wouldn't like them.  But I did. I DID.  So I bought them anyways.  And as soon as I put them on I get a dirty look and I am told that I need to dress my age and don't wear things that are so short.  And then heaven forbid I do my hair any differently because he will be blatantly honest about how he doesn't like the way it looks either.  And he can be so rude to me.  I swear there are times he cares more about baseball scores then being on a date with me.  I forget trying to have an intimate moment together.  If I can convince him to come to bed with me, I then have to "do" everything, never having my needs met.  I have no idea some days why I stay.  I tell myself that he is getting better, or that most the time it is not my fault but at times like right now, that doesn't heal my breaking heart.  He is supposed to be the one that comforts me when I am feeling down.  To tell me I look pretty or to make me feel special and loved.  But I feel like I am the one who has to do that for the both of us all the time.  I don't know what to do.  This entry must seem so desperate.  So sad.

Going out for dinner, and wound up in OZ

Well things did not go as planned tonight.   It seems like every time I get up on a Friday and tell myself "I hope it's going to be a good weekend", it usually doesn't turn out that way.  I think I jinks myself or something.  Maybe I should just start wishing for a bad weekend and then the opposite of that will happen too?

This was the angriest I have seen him get in awhile.  There was tension throughout our whole dinner.  For the most part we did just talk and enjoy each other, but the restaurant was busy and the service was bad and he was very hungry.  That was the first ingredient for the recipe of a evening that would end badly.  Then on the way home he began to tell me how I ruined the night and how ungrateful I am.  Then on top of that he purposely started driving erratically to scare me.  When we finally got home he went to the door, unlocked it, and turn and left.  As I heard his tires squealing I couldn't help but cry.  (Oh yeah and he reminded me in an early conversation of how he felt I was weak because I cry).  

But I know that I am not weak.  I am a strong, loving, good hearted person, who, when in love, loves with all her heart.  That's why I cry after his outbursts.  Because I know he doesn't mean them and I know he loves me, but sometimes it just all makes my cup overflow.  I can only take so much.  It's like having an emotional gas tank.  I can hold a certain amount of ill feelings, but if you continue to fill me up with them, I will overflow.  Cause and effect.

I really try so hard not to trigger him.  I smile when I don't want to.  I hold down my anger when it's really hard to.  I curb my body language as much as I can when I need to.  But sometimes there is no force in the world that is strong enough to keep his triggers at bay.

But I stay.  That is how I know I am strong, because I stay.  It would be easy to throw in the towel and in a couple of months forget that I even had a relationship with him.  But that's not what I want.  I want him in all his forms, for always.  I have a secret vow in my heart, to never give up on us.  Because beneath it all.  Beneath all the pain and hurt and crazies that goes on in his head, he loves me on a level that know one else ever has.  And I love him on a level even higher then that, because I won't give up.  Period.

Signing a lease, going to a concert, Mother's Day and moving in a week. More stress? Yes, please!

If I make it through this weekend in one piece or at least without having to take any meds, it will be amazing. And I do hope to amaze myself because that means I am learning. There is so much going on in these next few weeks, that I am personally stressed out about, that having to deal with his stressors on top of it will be a challenge.

We are moving into a new apartment next week and going to sign off on everything this morning. And then later on this evening we are going to our first concert together. So far the only thing that has been rough is dealing with the moving. He really hasn't mentioned that much about the concert. I hope that is a good thing. I know we will enjoy it as long as it doesn't become too over stimulating.

Then tomorrow is Mother's Day. So far he hasn't made any references to any of his feelings about the holiday but I'm sure he must be missing his mom. He lost her so tragically so many years ago, but it still haunts him every year. Luckily my mom doesn't live in the same state so tomorrow should pretty much go by like any other day. No dinners with mom or anything like that to set off any triggers.

I guess maybe I'm just bracing myself this morning by writing here now. Part of me thinks its a good thing and the other part of me wonders if I am just setting myself up to fail? I guess only time will tell. Good luck to us!

Trying to understand and having it back-fire in my face!

Ok so we just finished watching a movie called "The Dry Land". It is about a solder that comes back from the Middle East and his struggles to re-adjust to everyday life. During the whole movie it is very apparent that he suffers from PTSD. (This movie was suggested to me by one of the PTSD Facebook pages I follow). It was a good look at the beginning stages of this mental disorder. All and all my boyfriend and I liked it. He even told me that he liked it because it reminded him of his past struggles and that he was glad that I was taking an interest in trying to understand him more and more.

Well then something started to take a turn. He started asking me "why I was with him" and that "I could find someone more normal if I wanted to". I told him I was with him because I loved the man he was and that PTSD didn't define him. And that no one is really "normal". That we all have our issues. After that we started to watch the news. A story came on about a girl that was held against her will by 4 boys while two of them raped her. I began to tell him that, that's why I get scared sometimes. That I don't trust anyone and that I feel like he couldn't completely understand because I felt it was different for a man to understand then a woman. We tried to have a conversation about that and we both got a little defensive. I tried to back off but it was too late. He started to tell me that I always did this. That I never let him finish anything. That I always said stuff to piss him off. Then he stormed off and slammed the bedroom door behind him. So I went into the other room and got online to "go to OZ", my happy place. I figured that would be the last that I would see him tonight but instead he came back in the room I was in and with a raised voice, asked me why I always seemed to piss him off? That for the last three nights he has went to bed mad. I could tell there was no way we were going to have a civil conversation, so I told him I didn't want to discuss it right now. Then he again told me how mad I always make him. I didn't say anything in response. He then asked me why I was ignoring him. So I told him that I heard everything that he had told me but that I didn't have a response for him right now. So off to bed he went and here I sit.

So now I find myself wondering if watching the movie was a good idea at all? That maybe things like this were better off for me to do alone. I think it hit a trigger in him inadvertently. Sometimes I feel like I can't win for losing. But one thing is that I feel like I am starting to handle these outbursts better and better as more time goes by.

Looking for understanding

Sometimes I swear I just don't know what to do when he has his outbursts. In the beginning, before I had any idea of what exactly PTSD was, we would argue and I would wined up crying and then he would leave and nothing would get solved or discussed (well at least not right away). He would eventually come back and apologize but I never really had any grasp on what had just occurred. So then I would spend time looking at myself and wondering what I was doing wrong? That maybe it was my fault? Then I did some research and learned that I had been handling his outbursts all wrong. So now, sometimes I just breath and let things run their course. Other times, if I can get through to him, we will attempt to have a conversation, but even then I am walking on egg shells to make sure I don't say the wrong thing. And even with those discussions, I usually wined up crying too.

Recently I have talked with someone else who's husband also has PTSD. She said that they use a key pharse of "I'm off to OZ" when things start to get out of hand. I thought that was funny. She would say that, and then put space between her and her husband until everyone was calm. So I have found myself using that saying on the past two occasions. The first one it worked like a charm. It made me able to laugh at myself and to calm down, while he was also trying to calm down. Later on we talked about it and that was the end of story.

Today I found myself going "off to OZ" way to early for my liking. He can just be so mean with some of the stuff he says. Because I was "off in OZ" I stayed calm and just let him talk, and at times ignore me all together. I was proud of myself for one, staying calm and two, not crying. But for the life of me, I have to wonder if he realizes some of the things he is saying to me?? He has away of turning everything around and making it my fault (hence going back to finding myself internalizing everything). We attempted to go shopping at an outlet mall this morning. We go into the first store. He is asking me my opinion on some colognes. I tell him that they smell nice but that I liked what he currently wore the best. So right in front of the sales clerk he starts to say things like, "why are you always trying to control me" and "next time I'm going by myself because you are always trying to tell me what to buy". I tried to point out to him (first big mistake) that I was not trying to control him. That he asked me my opinion on the scent, and I told him I didn't like it as much as what he currently wore. I even told him that if he wanted it, that we should go back into the store and he should get it. No no no no. He said to just forget it and we moved on. So we go to the next store. He is looking at a pair of jeans. He asks me what I think about them and I tell him they're ok but that I think he had enough jeans. (Now I admit that was probably not the best thing to say, but I was not trying to be controlling. I was mearly giving my opinion because he has a TON of jeans!) But again, I find myself being belittled in front of the sales clerk. She asked him if he was finding everything ok and in front of everyone he says "I don't have permission to buy any jeans today". I try to laugh it off so that she will think he is joking, but I know he is not. He continues to banter on about me controlling him, as well as cussing at me in front of other passer-bys. I try to tell him to stop because he is embarrassing me (another big mistake). So then I just tell myself "lets go to OZ" and I disengage from what he is saying. Finally he asks me if I am mad (which I am because he has again brought attention to us in public and has embarrassed me) and I say yes. So he blows up as says "well fine if you're mad then we are leaving" and then he storms off way in front of me all the way to the car. When I get into the car he is ready to go and has his head phones in (another way that he chooses to block me out). So I pull out my phone and start to read an eBook that I have on it. I think that we might actually make it all the way home in silence but that doesn't happen. Instead he starts in on me, telling me that I am always trying to control him, that he was having a good day and that now I gave him a headache. That I "act too perfect" and never admit to MY short comings. He says he has shortcomings and can admit to them but that I can never see that it is my problem that causes us to fight. During all of this I have not responded. He then asks me if I am even listening to him and I tell him yes in a very calm voice. Then he tells me that he can't stand it when I talk to him in a calm voice. I tell him that I think it is better this way then to be yelling at each other (not sure if that was a good move or not, but I'm guessing it wasn't the best time to say it). Then he puts his head phones back in and continues to ignore me. We get home and he just shuts down and starts to watch TV before going into the bedroom to lay down.

I think the thing that continues to bother me the most out of all of this, is being publicly humiliated. He talks down to me a lot in public. And he does not do it in a quiet manner. Instead he some what raises his voice so that others for sure can hear what he is saying. Thus embarrassing me as well as making me feel very defenseless. I know if I try to say anything he will just continue on and bring more attention to us. But at the same time, I feel like a dog that has been beaten down and made to submit. Later on, whenever we do talk, I always tell him how I feel when he does that. He tells me he is sorry and that he will stop, but it continues to happen.

I'm wondering what else I can do to stop this behavior? I have thought about recording what he says on my phone discreetly, but I feel like if he were to realize what I was doing while he was still mad, that it would only make things worse. But at the same time I really want him to hear how he speaks to me. Because the other thing that happens when we do try to talk about it, is that it turns into a "he said, she said" moment. Where sometimes he will remember things he said and other times he will get defensive and try to tell me that he never said anything like what I am telling him.

I need someone to help me understand.

Ironic isn't it?

So here I sit alone this morning. And I have just taken a anti-anxiety pill to help me get through the rest of the day. The irony comes in because those pills were prescribed to me 3 years ago when I was having a hard time dealing with the adoption process. And now here I am taking them because I am having a hard time dealing with my partners PTSD. The two situations are so similar to me. The only main difference is that I wanted the adoption to end and I don't want this relationship to end. Its just so hard to deal with sometimes. I feel so lost and I find myself having to remember that it is NOT MY FAULT for 90% of the things he does. Our last two weekends to together have been hell. They have been full of over stimulating circumstances that have made being together very difficult. Whether he is sabotaging himself from enjoying things he likes or being over stimulated by the thought of having a "good weekend" it has just been too much to handle lately. I just don't understand why things can't just happen and go smoothly? Well actually I can understand why they don't but I guess it is just a process that I need to learn how to deal with better. And I think I have been doing a good job with that for the most part. I have learned A LOT in the past 15 months of this relationship. I have become a stronger person, I think. I have a long way to go but I have seen changes in myself and in him as well. We will make it as long as we always have strong communication (and good meds!). We are moving soon to a community, that in away, I think will make things even easier to deal with. There are a lot of "outs" there. Whether it be the 1100 square feet gym that is within walking distance or the 3 miles of outside running trails, I'm sure I will find something that will help me (us) positively deal with whatever it is that is happening in our relationship together. I also am hoping to get back into martial arts every soon too. I think it will become a tremendous life saver if I do. I miss it and it did make me a better person. My true to life saying is "keep moving forward". That is all we can really do. . .