Friday, September 2, 2011

Feels like a winner at a losing game. . .

Some days I just feel like crying.  I feel that way tonight.  I feel out of control in my mind, even though my outward appearance is calm and quite.  I have a longing inside to feel loved.  To feel loved by the man that I have fallen in love with.  Some days it is so hard to feel his love.  Even though it may seen like nothing is wrong, I feel so alone inside.  I just want someone, him, to come and hold me and be "normal", if that even makes sense. 

I mean what is normal anyways?  I was married and divorced, and before I was divorced I thought that life was what normal was.  But then it wasn't, it was bruised and scarred and eventually fell apart.  And now in this new relationship with my man, and his PTSD, it feels completely different.  Different in good ways and in ways that I can't explain.  I know that he loves me with his whole being but it is just so hard to feel.   I don't think he even realizes how alone I can feel at times even though he is right there with me.  He is always so focused on himself.  I'm just supposed to be strong and keep moving forward everyday.  And I do.  All you can do is keep moving forward, but I just wish I didn't have to feel so alone.  I have this man, this man that if he asked I would marry.  But my biggest fear is that he will never ask.  The PTSD won't let him.  And I'm afraid that's not what I want for myself.  I want to be married again and even have a child with him.  But if that day never comes, then what exactly am I living for?  Certainly not myself, right?  I mean I can only put his needs before mine for so long.  I don't want to loose myself.  You can never get back lost time.

So I don't know what to do.  I want to just lay everything out on the table and tell him EXACTLY how I feel, but I know we will fight.  The PTSD and me.  It will take him over.  It will not let him answer my questions.  It will consume the conversation and nothing will be solved.  And then I will have a whole new mess to deal with.  And my original feelings will be pushed aside again and again and again and become even more lost time.  Sometimes I feel like life is like an hour glass and everyday you are struggling not to run out of sand.  But life shouldn't be a struggle and love should be easy, right?  I mean, I guess so.  Marriage is work, but if you have love, it makes things flow a little better even in the hardest times.  I think?

I feel like the night is swallowing me up and forcing my tears out.  I have no idea why I feel so down.  It scares me in away.  It makes me feel so small.  So sad.

1 comment:

  1. I totally feel everything you have wrote. I am searching the internet for anything to help me understand. I have been dating someone with veteran PTSD for 10 months. I didn't understand and sometimes it is so hard to understand because its been about 15-20 years i believe since he has been out, but everything he displays is what is written in all the veteran PTSD articles. I am told I don't love him yet I feel I do very much. Why would I put myself through this makes no sense. He wants to have a child with me and I told him it was too risky. I don't want the child to see him ignoring me the way he does. He rarely apologizes for any of his crappy ways and puts all blame on me. I feel they should have to be in mandatory counseling. He puts on a different face for the world then he is with me. This frustrates me even more because it feels as if he make me look like the crazy one and not him. Sometimes its hard to know if this is his personality even before the PTSD or if he uses the PTSD as a mask to be rude and mentally/emotionally abusive. Its so hard to know.