I need to write. It takes the pain that is in me and puts it out in the open. Out into reality. I feel so alone right now. But I have no idea why, because my partner is only in the other room. But we haven't talked all day. In fact I cried myself to sleep last night, cried again in the morning after he left for 5 hours. Cried again when he came home, only to lock himself in our bedroom without saying a word to me. And now he is just down the hall and we still haven't talked.
I have no idea what is going on. We have been doing so well for a good amount of time now. He was supportive when I had to leave town to be with my mother, he was caring when I was injured at work and needed his help with day to day things. And now, it's all fallen apart somehow. I guess it could be a relapse. Not everything is going to be perfect all the time with a PTSD survivor. The horrible demons in his head will never be gone forever. I just feel into the idea that they might be subsiding more and more.
Well this weekend (actually the last couple days) has been a wake up call. Things have been hard. It makes it hard to be happy at all when I feel so distant from someone who is right here. And don't even get me started trying to figure out why he has such a hard time accepting that I did something nice for him. Today we were supposed to be driving out of town to see his favorite baseball team play tomorrow. It was part of his Birthday gift. I really put a lot of thought behind it and planned it months ago. But he has been defiant about going from the first day I gave him the tickets. Last night he told me I was being "too sensitive", told me "if I wanted to play hardball that he could play hard", he slept on the sofa and told me if I was going to be upset that he wasn't going to the game Sunday.
Why I am being punished? I have no idea. Why am I not aloud to express my feelings (good and bad) without there being some kind of retaliation? I DON'T UNDERSTAND. I am a good person. I can be sensitive at times, and I'm sure I'm not easy to understand all the time either. But above all of that, I love him with all my heart. And he has told me within the same day that he made me cry in the morning, that he loves me too and that he is so glad that I came into his life and that I have made a huge impact on his life. So why do I feel so bad right now? Why has it been almost one whole day since we have talked?
So why don't I try to talk to him, you might ask? Because I am afraid of how he will react. I am a afraid that while trying to express my feelings he will feel threatened. And then he will shut down all over again. And shut me out again. I don't know what else to do. So I write.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
So what about me. . .
Well I have been using this blog to talk about issues that I have had in my relationship with my boyfriend who suffers from PTSD. Good thing today I will not be writing anything about us. We are doing fine. Actually today is our 6 months anniversary together and things are good.
I need this time today to writing about something that just I am going through. My dad called me today (which he never does, he usually will just talk to me after I talk with my mom) so I knew right away that something was wrong. My mom has been having some issues with feeling nauseous all the time and in the last 3 weeks she has had blood in her urine. My dad told me that I needed to make sure to call her today because he had to take her to the emergency room Monday night. He said that he would let her tell me why but to just make sure to call her.
So I called her and got the usual talk out of the way. How am I, how is work, how is my relationship and so on. Then I got the "I know I should have called you sooner but . . .". She told me that she had been really sick in this past week. So much so that she had to have my dad take her to the emergency room at midnight on Monday. She has been telling my about how she feels nauseous all the time for a few months now. And then in the past month she has seen trace amounts of blood in her urine. Well Monday night it got so bad that she couldn't sleep and felt really bad. She went to the hospital and when she gave a urine sample she told me it was nothing but red blood. Not good. So now she is on some meds for both her bloody urine and the nauseousness. But she is a worrier and is very scared that she is not going to get better and that they will then have to run a bunch of tests. But besides being sick, they have no health insurance and that already racked up close to $1000 worth of bills. My dad has a small business that he works from out of their home and he gets a pension on disability monthly. That is their only income and it is very little. My mom is a worrier as I said already. But she takes worrying to a whole new level. She will only make herself sicker if she does not decompress her worries and feelings. The stress from it all will make her recovery very hard.
So now I am worried. I think. I really don't feel anything right now. No tears have fallen. Stomach is not in knots. And I feel guilty for not feeling. I mean I love my mom and I am worried but I feel like I'm not as worried as I should be. I feel bad for that. I guess maybe it is my way to be strong for her and my dad but I know it is going to hit me sooner or later and then what? I don't really know what to do.
I need this time today to writing about something that just I am going through. My dad called me today (which he never does, he usually will just talk to me after I talk with my mom) so I knew right away that something was wrong. My mom has been having some issues with feeling nauseous all the time and in the last 3 weeks she has had blood in her urine. My dad told me that I needed to make sure to call her today because he had to take her to the emergency room Monday night. He said that he would let her tell me why but to just make sure to call her.
So I called her and got the usual talk out of the way. How am I, how is work, how is my relationship and so on. Then I got the "I know I should have called you sooner but . . .". She told me that she had been really sick in this past week. So much so that she had to have my dad take her to the emergency room at midnight on Monday. She has been telling my about how she feels nauseous all the time for a few months now. And then in the past month she has seen trace amounts of blood in her urine. Well Monday night it got so bad that she couldn't sleep and felt really bad. She went to the hospital and when she gave a urine sample she told me it was nothing but red blood. Not good. So now she is on some meds for both her bloody urine and the nauseousness. But she is a worrier and is very scared that she is not going to get better and that they will then have to run a bunch of tests. But besides being sick, they have no health insurance and that already racked up close to $1000 worth of bills. My dad has a small business that he works from out of their home and he gets a pension on disability monthly. That is their only income and it is very little. My mom is a worrier as I said already. But she takes worrying to a whole new level. She will only make herself sicker if she does not decompress her worries and feelings. The stress from it all will make her recovery very hard.
So now I am worried. I think. I really don't feel anything right now. No tears have fallen. Stomach is not in knots. And I feel guilty for not feeling. I mean I love my mom and I am worried but I feel like I'm not as worried as I should be. I feel bad for that. I guess maybe it is my way to be strong for her and my dad but I know it is going to hit me sooner or later and then what? I don't really know what to do.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
. . . and the Cheese
Part of me wants to break down in tears. It would feel good to be weak and just start to cry. It always does. But then we both hurt. I take the easy way out to get what I need (tears vs just telling him that he hurt my feelings) and he feels bad for making me cry. It's a circle. But I remember reading in my Al-non book that I have to be in charge of my happiness. No one else should control that. But I am happiest when we are happy together. When I don't have to worry about walking on egg shells. When I don't have the urge to have to Blog or write in a journal because the feelings inside of me make me feel like I am going to burst.
He came home (after a 2 hour dinner or whatever) and never said a word to me. Just went about his business like nothing had happened. He is a very smart and caring man. So for me to think that he didn't realize his words were hurtful, is hard for me to believe. So if he did realize, at dinner maybe, that he was hurtful towards me, then why doesn't he try to make it better? Granted I didn't say anything to him either when he came home. I suppose I could have asked him how his dinner was or where he went. I could have made the attempt to break the ice, right? But I was too afraid to. Afraid that he would reject me further. Say more hurtful things, because maybe he didn't realize what he did. So then we would have argued or I would have cried. And there we are, back at the beginning of the circle.
I do love him. I remind myself of that ever second. It is just so hard living with his PTSD some days. Some days it is easier and things just flow. Love flows. And other days, the love is still there, but the anger and insecurities from the PTSD flood everything. And then my eyes, over flow with tears.
He came home (after a 2 hour dinner or whatever) and never said a word to me. Just went about his business like nothing had happened. He is a very smart and caring man. So for me to think that he didn't realize his words were hurtful, is hard for me to believe. So if he did realize, at dinner maybe, that he was hurtful towards me, then why doesn't he try to make it better? Granted I didn't say anything to him either when he came home. I suppose I could have asked him how his dinner was or where he went. I could have made the attempt to break the ice, right? But I was too afraid to. Afraid that he would reject me further. Say more hurtful things, because maybe he didn't realize what he did. So then we would have argued or I would have cried. And there we are, back at the beginning of the circle.
I do love him. I remind myself of that ever second. It is just so hard living with his PTSD some days. Some days it is easier and things just flow. Love flows. And other days, the love is still there, but the anger and insecurities from the PTSD flood everything. And then my eyes, over flow with tears.
Pass the bread please. . .
Sorry I haven't blogged in awhile. But there is a plus side to that. The reason I haven't blogged is because we have been getting along so well over almost the past two weeks. No fights, no out bursts, no hurtful words. But as you can see I said "almost" the past two weeks. Last night and into this evening was the deal breaker.
Last night we had a little tiff. Nothing really worth mentioning but hurtful actions were in place. But I pushed through that and woke up in a positive frame of mind. The whole day went really well. I was in such a good mood that I suggested to him that I cook dinner tonight. Make spaghetti with garlic bread. At first he was excited. Said it sounded good. But there was a "but". He asked me to go to the store and pick up some bread (french bread, because garlic or sourdough wouldn't do) and a special kind of cheese, even though we had cheese already as well. That request caught me off guard a little. I explained that (in a very non-threatening way) I was offering to take the time to make dinner, so if he would like something that we didn't already have at home, I asked him to please pick it up himself on his way home. The response to that was never mind, forget it, I will eat by myself (meaning I will go out to dinner by myself). So with that, I tried to bring up the fact that if he was going to take the time to go out and eat that he should just use that time to go get the bread and cheese and bring them home and dinner would be ready. No, he didn't like that either. Just told me to forget it. So for the most part I did. I figured that since I have off tomorrow that I would just make the meal tomorrow night. No big deal.
Well then he came home and that's when the venom was starting to be sprayed. First thing he says when he comes in is "are you going to make dinner or not?". I told him I didn't because he told me to forget it because I didn't want to have to go to the store. That's when I was told (in a nasty, bitter, voice: "would it have been that hard for you to go to the store? No I don't think it would have been. I mean you get home before me anyways" (keeping in mind that the reason I get home before him is because I also go to work 2 hours earlier then he does, including the fact that I have to drive 20miles to work, so I have to be up by 4:30am every morning). I sat in silence, knowing that responding to anything he was continuing to say, would have only made things worse. But in my head I felt belittled and worthless. My whole intention behind making us a nice dinner was just that, to do something nice. Instead I am talked down to, and he did continue to get ready and leave the house, without saying one word to me.
It makes me feel very sad inside. I know I didn't deserve what happened. I didn't do anything wrong, but it still hurt. We were doing so well and now this. I know I can get past this, but I fear what will happen tonight when he comes home. Of course I will probably remain distant, and he will pick up on it, ask what it is wrong, and no matter what I tell him about how he made me feel, it will still be my fault. So I sit here and type my emotions away to no one. I do love him. We have had some really nice moments together recently. Moments that I wish could be an everyday experience. But unfortunately PTSD had to rear it's ugly head in the midst of it all.
I have to wonder if, after more and more time passes, if these outbursts will continue to become farther and farther apart? That is a positive way to think, right? Maybe next time we will make it to two weeks and then three and then a month?
Last night we had a little tiff. Nothing really worth mentioning but hurtful actions were in place. But I pushed through that and woke up in a positive frame of mind. The whole day went really well. I was in such a good mood that I suggested to him that I cook dinner tonight. Make spaghetti with garlic bread. At first he was excited. Said it sounded good. But there was a "but". He asked me to go to the store and pick up some bread (french bread, because garlic or sourdough wouldn't do) and a special kind of cheese, even though we had cheese already as well. That request caught me off guard a little. I explained that (in a very non-threatening way) I was offering to take the time to make dinner, so if he would like something that we didn't already have at home, I asked him to please pick it up himself on his way home. The response to that was never mind, forget it, I will eat by myself (meaning I will go out to dinner by myself). So with that, I tried to bring up the fact that if he was going to take the time to go out and eat that he should just use that time to go get the bread and cheese and bring them home and dinner would be ready. No, he didn't like that either. Just told me to forget it. So for the most part I did. I figured that since I have off tomorrow that I would just make the meal tomorrow night. No big deal.
Well then he came home and that's when the venom was starting to be sprayed. First thing he says when he comes in is "are you going to make dinner or not?". I told him I didn't because he told me to forget it because I didn't want to have to go to the store. That's when I was told (in a nasty, bitter, voice: "would it have been that hard for you to go to the store? No I don't think it would have been. I mean you get home before me anyways" (keeping in mind that the reason I get home before him is because I also go to work 2 hours earlier then he does, including the fact that I have to drive 20miles to work, so I have to be up by 4:30am every morning). I sat in silence, knowing that responding to anything he was continuing to say, would have only made things worse. But in my head I felt belittled and worthless. My whole intention behind making us a nice dinner was just that, to do something nice. Instead I am talked down to, and he did continue to get ready and leave the house, without saying one word to me.
It makes me feel very sad inside. I know I didn't deserve what happened. I didn't do anything wrong, but it still hurt. We were doing so well and now this. I know I can get past this, but I fear what will happen tonight when he comes home. Of course I will probably remain distant, and he will pick up on it, ask what it is wrong, and no matter what I tell him about how he made me feel, it will still be my fault. So I sit here and type my emotions away to no one. I do love him. We have had some really nice moments together recently. Moments that I wish could be an everyday experience. But unfortunately PTSD had to rear it's ugly head in the midst of it all.
I have to wonder if, after more and more time passes, if these outbursts will continue to become farther and farther apart? That is a positive way to think, right? Maybe next time we will make it to two weeks and then three and then a month?
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Going Up. . .
Ok so my anxiety level just went up a little. I know I'm probably just being silly and insecure but it is what it is. He just got up and left. Said he would be back in a little while and that he needed to take care of some "stuff". He grabbed his AA book and left. That worries me. I mean I know not everything is about me, but why would he just leave like that? Was is something I did? I mean we had a little tiff but it was honestly nothing even worth mentioning. It wasn't even something that would have been PTSD related. Still he left. I know he sponsors someone else so maybe that person just needed to talk to him. I don't know. And I realize that these meetings are a personal and private thing for the people involved but I feel like I'm in the dark a lot. I just wish some days that if it was something that was bothering about me or about us, that he would talk to me about it. I mean it's that what you are supposed to do in a relationship? I mean sure I talk to my friends sometimes about issues I have, but he is usually the most important one to me when it comes to things that deal with us. I'm sure that I am just being silly. It's probably nothing I did. It is my own insecurity and I need to learn how to deal with it.
I actually got an email today from someone in a PTSD forum that I have posted in. She said she cold relate to my story and my issues. She was dating someone just like my guy. The only difference is that she had to end her relationship because it started to effect her mental status. I hope that is never the case between us. I pray that no matter what we will be able to work through tuff times. I guess with that said I really need to check into getting help myself for times when I am feeling down or not sure of myself. I mean he is getting that help. He has people to talk to, but I don't. I surely do not want to be the reason that we have to end our relationship. I mean I read in my Al-non book all the time about the friends and family of the victim having to take care of themselves first. That if they are not ok, they cannot possibly try to be there for their loved one. So I need to help myself. I need to remember the kitten story. That I am like a little kitten. I am innocent and deserve love. And I need to picture myself that way so that I can love and take care of my self and my emotions.
Well my rambleing on and on has some what helped take my anexity level down. I do hope he comes home soon. And I will be waiting with open arms when he does.
I actually got an email today from someone in a PTSD forum that I have posted in. She said she cold relate to my story and my issues. She was dating someone just like my guy. The only difference is that she had to end her relationship because it started to effect her mental status. I hope that is never the case between us. I pray that no matter what we will be able to work through tuff times. I guess with that said I really need to check into getting help myself for times when I am feeling down or not sure of myself. I mean he is getting that help. He has people to talk to, but I don't. I surely do not want to be the reason that we have to end our relationship. I mean I read in my Al-non book all the time about the friends and family of the victim having to take care of themselves first. That if they are not ok, they cannot possibly try to be there for their loved one. So I need to help myself. I need to remember the kitten story. That I am like a little kitten. I am innocent and deserve love. And I need to picture myself that way so that I can love and take care of my self and my emotions.
Well my rambleing on and on has some what helped take my anexity level down. I do hope he comes home soon. And I will be waiting with open arms when he does.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
So far, so good
Well today is a new day and so far we have been having a pretty good 4th of July weekend together. This morning he went off to his AA meeting, so this leaves me some alone time to blog a little.
Last night we had a really good time together with some friends. Went out for dinner and then some family fun of bowling and playing video games. I think for the first time in a long time I really saw him having fun and being himself with no reservations. I liked it a lot. I liked just watching him having a good time. Later on I learned that he enjoyed watching me too. Said I'd looked really pretty having so much fun with him and my friends. That was nice to hear. Sometimes I don't think he is paying attention to the same things I am and then he always surprises me and I find out that he was!
We did wake up at 2:30am this morning because he was having a nightmare/flashback. He woke me up because he was yelling in his sleep. That just breaks my heart when that happens. He usually doesn't remember what he was dreaming about after I wake him up but the sheer sound of him in pain or being afraid of what his own mind is doing to him, just kills me. So we sat up for a little while. I was rubbing his back trying to help him fall back asleep again. He tried to thank me for it. I told him he never had to thank me for comforting him. I love him and I know he would do the same for me. I wish I could make all those bad things in him subconscious mind go away forever. But one thing that I have noticed is that ever since we have been living together, this has been the first really bad nightmare he has had. Before we were living together and I would just spend the night on the weekends, he would have one almost every weekend. I have to wonder if me being here has anything to do with it? I mean I'm not looking to take credit for anything, but I hope that me being around helps to comfort and settle him. I want him to feel my love for him and know that I will always be there for him.
I guess, no matter what, we all have to take the good with the bad. That is what real love is. When you are no longer willing to deal with the bad, is when the true love starts to fade. This relationship is worth it to me. Worth it for me to keep my head held high and just take each day at a time. I love him that much.
Last night we had a really good time together with some friends. Went out for dinner and then some family fun of bowling and playing video games. I think for the first time in a long time I really saw him having fun and being himself with no reservations. I liked it a lot. I liked just watching him having a good time. Later on I learned that he enjoyed watching me too. Said I'd looked really pretty having so much fun with him and my friends. That was nice to hear. Sometimes I don't think he is paying attention to the same things I am and then he always surprises me and I find out that he was!
We did wake up at 2:30am this morning because he was having a nightmare/flashback. He woke me up because he was yelling in his sleep. That just breaks my heart when that happens. He usually doesn't remember what he was dreaming about after I wake him up but the sheer sound of him in pain or being afraid of what his own mind is doing to him, just kills me. So we sat up for a little while. I was rubbing his back trying to help him fall back asleep again. He tried to thank me for it. I told him he never had to thank me for comforting him. I love him and I know he would do the same for me. I wish I could make all those bad things in him subconscious mind go away forever. But one thing that I have noticed is that ever since we have been living together, this has been the first really bad nightmare he has had. Before we were living together and I would just spend the night on the weekends, he would have one almost every weekend. I have to wonder if me being here has anything to do with it? I mean I'm not looking to take credit for anything, but I hope that me being around helps to comfort and settle him. I want him to feel my love for him and know that I will always be there for him.
I guess, no matter what, we all have to take the good with the bad. That is what real love is. When you are no longer willing to deal with the bad, is when the true love starts to fade. This relationship is worth it to me. Worth it for me to keep my head held high and just take each day at a time. I love him that much.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Light at the End of the Tunnel
I have found a lot of resources on the Internet these last few days. A lot of Blogs and message boards for other people who are affected by a loved one's fight with PTSD. In a sick way it is very comforting to know that I am not alone. There are other people out there going through the same things that I am. The walking on eggshells, the crying, the feeling not good enough, or that it is their fault. Reading other peoples posts is comforting.
I have to say that one fear I do have from being in my current relationship, is that, I will loose who I am. I am starting to realize that when things between us are rough, that I don't have it in me to cry as often. In away that is a good thing and a relief for my eyes but I feel like I am loosing my innocents at the same time. That one day I will just wake up and be a totally unemotional person. A zombie of some sorts. But on the other hand maybe that is a sign that I am growing. That I am, a little at a time, realizing that it is not my fault.
I love my partner very very much. I always tell him that I love him more then he can realize. I am a strong person and I know we can make it, but I can also see that there is a long road ahead of us.
I have to say that one fear I do have from being in my current relationship, is that, I will loose who I am. I am starting to realize that when things between us are rough, that I don't have it in me to cry as often. In away that is a good thing and a relief for my eyes but I feel like I am loosing my innocents at the same time. That one day I will just wake up and be a totally unemotional person. A zombie of some sorts. But on the other hand maybe that is a sign that I am growing. That I am, a little at a time, realizing that it is not my fault.
I love my partner very very much. I always tell him that I love him more then he can realize. I am a strong person and I know we can make it, but I can also see that there is a long road ahead of us.
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