Trying to understand and having it back-fire in my face!

Ok so we just finished watching a movie called "The Dry Land". It is about a solder that comes back from the Middle East and his struggles to re-adjust to everyday life. During the whole movie it is very apparent that he suffers from PTSD. (This movie was suggested to me by one of the PTSD Facebook pages I follow). It was a good look at the beginning stages of this mental disorder. All and all my boyfriend and I liked it. He even told me that he liked it because it reminded him of his past struggles and that he was glad that I was taking an interest in trying to understand him more and more.

Well then something started to take a turn. He started asking me "why I was with him" and that "I could find someone more normal if I wanted to". I told him I was with him because I loved the man he was and that PTSD didn't define him. And that no one is really "normal". That we all have our issues. After that we started to watch the news. A story came on about a girl that was held against her will by 4 boys while two of them raped her. I began to tell him that, that's why I get scared sometimes. That I don't trust anyone and that I feel like he couldn't completely understand because I felt it was different for a man to understand then a woman. We tried to have a conversation about that and we both got a little defensive. I tried to back off but it was too late. He started to tell me that I always did this. That I never let him finish anything. That I always said stuff to piss him off. Then he stormed off and slammed the bedroom door behind him. So I went into the other room and got online to "go to OZ", my happy place. I figured that would be the last that I would see him tonight but instead he came back in the room I was in and with a raised voice, asked me why I always seemed to piss him off? That for the last three nights he has went to bed mad. I could tell there was no way we were going to have a civil conversation, so I told him I didn't want to discuss it right now. Then he again told me how mad I always make him. I didn't say anything in response. He then asked me why I was ignoring him. So I told him that I heard everything that he had told me but that I didn't have a response for him right now. So off to bed he went and here I sit.

So now I find myself wondering if watching the movie was a good idea at all? That maybe things like this were better off for me to do alone. I think it hit a trigger in him inadvertently. Sometimes I feel like I can't win for losing. But one thing is that I feel like I am starting to handle these outbursts better and better as more time goes by.

Looking for understanding

Sometimes I swear I just don't know what to do when he has his outbursts. In the beginning, before I had any idea of what exactly PTSD was, we would argue and I would wined up crying and then he would leave and nothing would get solved or discussed (well at least not right away). He would eventually come back and apologize but I never really had any grasp on what had just occurred. So then I would spend time looking at myself and wondering what I was doing wrong? That maybe it was my fault? Then I did some research and learned that I had been handling his outbursts all wrong. So now, sometimes I just breath and let things run their course. Other times, if I can get through to him, we will attempt to have a conversation, but even then I am walking on egg shells to make sure I don't say the wrong thing. And even with those discussions, I usually wined up crying too.

Recently I have talked with someone else who's husband also has PTSD. She said that they use a key pharse of "I'm off to OZ" when things start to get out of hand. I thought that was funny. She would say that, and then put space between her and her husband until everyone was calm. So I have found myself using that saying on the past two occasions. The first one it worked like a charm. It made me able to laugh at myself and to calm down, while he was also trying to calm down. Later on we talked about it and that was the end of story.

Today I found myself going "off to OZ" way to early for my liking. He can just be so mean with some of the stuff he says. Because I was "off in OZ" I stayed calm and just let him talk, and at times ignore me all together. I was proud of myself for one, staying calm and two, not crying. But for the life of me, I have to wonder if he realizes some of the things he is saying to me?? He has away of turning everything around and making it my fault (hence going back to finding myself internalizing everything). We attempted to go shopping at an outlet mall this morning. We go into the first store. He is asking me my opinion on some colognes. I tell him that they smell nice but that I liked what he currently wore the best. So right in front of the sales clerk he starts to say things like, "why are you always trying to control me" and "next time I'm going by myself because you are always trying to tell me what to buy". I tried to point out to him (first big mistake) that I was not trying to control him. That he asked me my opinion on the scent, and I told him I didn't like it as much as what he currently wore. I even told him that if he wanted it, that we should go back into the store and he should get it. No no no no. He said to just forget it and we moved on. So we go to the next store. He is looking at a pair of jeans. He asks me what I think about them and I tell him they're ok but that I think he had enough jeans. (Now I admit that was probably not the best thing to say, but I was not trying to be controlling. I was mearly giving my opinion because he has a TON of jeans!) But again, I find myself being belittled in front of the sales clerk. She asked him if he was finding everything ok and in front of everyone he says "I don't have permission to buy any jeans today". I try to laugh it off so that she will think he is joking, but I know he is not. He continues to banter on about me controlling him, as well as cussing at me in front of other passer-bys. I try to tell him to stop because he is embarrassing me (another big mistake). So then I just tell myself "lets go to OZ" and I disengage from what he is saying. Finally he asks me if I am mad (which I am because he has again brought attention to us in public and has embarrassed me) and I say yes. So he blows up as says "well fine if you're mad then we are leaving" and then he storms off way in front of me all the way to the car. When I get into the car he is ready to go and has his head phones in (another way that he chooses to block me out). So I pull out my phone and start to read an eBook that I have on it. I think that we might actually make it all the way home in silence but that doesn't happen. Instead he starts in on me, telling me that I am always trying to control him, that he was having a good day and that now I gave him a headache. That I "act too perfect" and never admit to MY short comings. He says he has shortcomings and can admit to them but that I can never see that it is my problem that causes us to fight. During all of this I have not responded. He then asks me if I am even listening to him and I tell him yes in a very calm voice. Then he tells me that he can't stand it when I talk to him in a calm voice. I tell him that I think it is better this way then to be yelling at each other (not sure if that was a good move or not, but I'm guessing it wasn't the best time to say it). Then he puts his head phones back in and continues to ignore me. We get home and he just shuts down and starts to watch TV before going into the bedroom to lay down.

I think the thing that continues to bother me the most out of all of this, is being publicly humiliated. He talks down to me a lot in public. And he does not do it in a quiet manner. Instead he some what raises his voice so that others for sure can hear what he is saying. Thus embarrassing me as well as making me feel very defenseless. I know if I try to say anything he will just continue on and bring more attention to us. But at the same time, I feel like a dog that has been beaten down and made to submit. Later on, whenever we do talk, I always tell him how I feel when he does that. He tells me he is sorry and that he will stop, but it continues to happen.

I'm wondering what else I can do to stop this behavior? I have thought about recording what he says on my phone discreetly, but I feel like if he were to realize what I was doing while he was still mad, that it would only make things worse. But at the same time I really want him to hear how he speaks to me. Because the other thing that happens when we do try to talk about it, is that it turns into a "he said, she said" moment. Where sometimes he will remember things he said and other times he will get defensive and try to tell me that he never said anything like what I am telling him.

I need someone to help me understand.

Ironic isn't it?

So here I sit alone this morning. And I have just taken a anti-anxiety pill to help me get through the rest of the day. The irony comes in because those pills were prescribed to me 3 years ago when I was having a hard time dealing with the adoption process. And now here I am taking them because I am having a hard time dealing with my partners PTSD. The two situations are so similar to me. The only main difference is that I wanted the adoption to end and I don't want this relationship to end. Its just so hard to deal with sometimes. I feel so lost and I find myself having to remember that it is NOT MY FAULT for 90% of the things he does. Our last two weekends to together have been hell. They have been full of over stimulating circumstances that have made being together very difficult. Whether he is sabotaging himself from enjoying things he likes or being over stimulated by the thought of having a "good weekend" it has just been too much to handle lately. I just don't understand why things can't just happen and go smoothly? Well actually I can understand why they don't but I guess it is just a process that I need to learn how to deal with better. And I think I have been doing a good job with that for the most part. I have learned A LOT in the past 15 months of this relationship. I have become a stronger person, I think. I have a long way to go but I have seen changes in myself and in him as well. We will make it as long as we always have strong communication (and good meds!). We are moving soon to a community, that in away, I think will make things even easier to deal with. There are a lot of "outs" there. Whether it be the 1100 square feet gym that is within walking distance or the 3 miles of outside running trails, I'm sure I will find something that will help me (us) positively deal with whatever it is that is happening in our relationship together. I also am hoping to get back into martial arts every soon too. I think it will become a tremendous life saver if I do. I miss it and it did make me a better person. My true to life saying is "keep moving forward". That is all we can really do. . .

One is the lonelest number. . .

I hate the way I feel when I am alone. I feel empty. Sometimes it's nice but when I've had a hard day and I feel like all I want you to do is hold me, having to be alone is the worst thing. Sometimes I don't know how to tell you how I feel. I just don't feel good about myself. I don't like who I am at times. I fear that others don't like me either. And I know I shouldn't care what other people think of me, but lets face it, we all do. All we really want out of life is to be accepted and loved by other people. It makes us feel more whole, more normal. Not so alone. Like we are apart of something bigger then ourselves. Being an only child, I think, only makes that longing even more precious. Throughout all my childhood, I always had to find away to amuse myself. I didn't have many friends, because I honestly don't think old children are raised with the proper social skills that kids with siblings are. We feel awkward at times when we are in group settings. I know I just don't feel like I fit in at times. Like I am always thinking a little differently then the next person. And now, being an adult, I feel like I have become anti-social in new settings and in relationships, I feel co-dependent. When I fall in love, I fall hard and even though I hate to admit it, I become "needy" of my partner. I like being close with them, being able to talk to them, and knowing no matter what they will be there for me. But I also expect them to know all this without me telling them. And I become frustrated or sad when they don't. Because that's all I've ever known when it came to me and my parents. They were always there for me and never had to split their attention between anyone else but me. So, no I don't enjoy going and sitting somewhere by myself. Or eating by myself, or shopping or anything else that I feel is normal in my world to have company to do with. And so sometimes I can make my partner feel bad for wanting to go out and hang out with his friends. I don't mean too, but in my head I don't understand who could be more important to be with then me. I know that sounds selfish and narrow minded but it is how I feel about being alone. I know it's not healthy for either of us but I don't know what to do about it. How can I feel better in my own skin? When I am alone, sometimes it feels like my skin is just crawling. I feel anxious but I don't know what to do to make myself feel better. To release this feeling of anxiety before I break down and cry or get mad. And then of course by the time my partner comes back home, I have to apologise for my actions. Even though in my head they seemed perfectly justified. So it's like I can't be who I am because others don't see that as being socially acceptable. So here I am again, having come full circle. I can't be who I am because that person is crazy to others. Sigh.

Happy Thanksgiving. . . a time for "family"?

So I've noticed that, as more and more time goes by, the less people I spend my holidays with. When I was a kid it was the whole family. Mom, dad, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents (from both sides) and even some even more extended family that I wasn't even sure of the relation to them. When I got to be a teenager, grandparents started to pass away. Along with their passing my parents chose to spend the holidays apart from my aunt and uncle. It seemed that my grandma (my dad's mother) was the glue that held us all together for the major holidays and when she passed, the rest of us became more separated. So then for most of my late teens to early 20's it was just my mom and dad and the "boyfriend" at the time for the holidays. Then I met "the one" (or should I say the one at that time in my life) and we moved away. So for the past 7 years I haven't spent but one holiday with MY family. Sure he and I spent the holidays with his family, but it still didn't feel the same as I remembered. Then "the one" and I divorced and I spent the following year with "the rebound" and his mom. So for the most part it was down to just me and him and his mom. Now this year I find myself down to two. Me and "the one I hope will be the one". The difference here is that, he has no family. None at all. But that's a whole different story. He has many people in his life that have become "like family" to him, but none of them are actual family. I have met several of them over the time that we have been together. Some I adore and some I could do without, but I guess that comes with any "family" unit.

So for a moment I would like to jump to a somewhat different topic. I have been with my present boyfriend (Mr. "the one I hope will be the one") for almost a year now. He has met my friends and coworkers and I have met his friends and coworkers (which most he considers his "family"). But alas, he still has not met my parents (they live 1000 miles away BTW). At first, early on, it never really bothered me. Then as time went by we talked more and more about going to visit my parents out of state in the early fall. Well that time came and past. He wasn't ready to met them yet. He was still fighting with the "demons" in his head about taking the next step in meeting my parents. I was hurt underneath but I moved on, knowing that day would come in time if he was really serious about us. So now we are planning to visit them in the Spring. I am excited about that. And like I said before, I was disappointed that he didn't meet them sooner, but I never pushed the topic on him. I knew when the right time came he would meet them.

So Thanksgiving is upon us. A week away. I find my family 1000 miles away and my best friend and her family on vacation over the holiday. So I assume it will just be he and I this year. He mentioned volunteering at the local soup kitchen. I was all set for that! Something new, something we could do together and make memories from, plus we would be helping people who really had no one. Then he mentioned spending the day with several different friends/coworkers (his "family") that I had met before. We (I thought) pretty much had it narrowed down to one couple in particular. A couple that I respected and enjoyed spending time with. People that I could easily see becoming my "family" as well. I was comfortable with this. But now that has all changed. He has decided that we should spend the holiday with a couple that I have never met before and probably had no idea that I even existed until I heard him ask "can my girlfriend come too"?

This bothers me. A lot. I did not see myself spending a major holiday with people that I have never met before. Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed meeting many and all of his friends and coworkers; his "family". I know that these people are very important to him. But I do not think it is an appropriate time to meet a new couple on a major holiday for the first time. But he doesn't understand how I feel (so he says). He says these people are very important to him and very good people. (Now if this were the case, and I'm not saying that they are any less special then anyone else I have met, then why I have I not met them before this?) He tells me that I do not have to go with him. So then my choices are: spend the holiday with people I don't know, at all or spend it alone.

So now time to pull everything together. When it came to him shying away from meeting my parents (people that are obviously very important to me), I let it go. I got over it and now wait for the "right time" to come. And keep in mind I wasn't even asking him to meet them during any major event. But now I find myself being forced to meet his "family" or spend what was going to be our first major holiday, alone. How is this fair? Why do I have to tip toe around his feelings but it is ok to dismiss mine all together?

Why?

Why am I so insecure at times? Why do I feel a sinking feeling when I am left alone? What happened to me that I find myself uncomfortable in my own sink at times? I have this feeling of abandonment when he wants to leave. Just to "hang out with the guys". That's innocent enough, isn't it? Maybe my relationship (or lack there of) with my ex-husband made me this way. He wasn't there at the important times that I really needed him. So now anyone else who comes along has to suffer for what someone else did to me. Like a scratch on a record. It will aways be there for everyone to hear no matter how it got there. I hate this about myself. Maybe this stems from something deeper and more far away then the past 6 years. Maybe it is due to a lack of friends when I was younger. Maybe it's because I was an only child. I learned at a very young age to accept being alone. But maybe that's the issue, is that I never accepted it. The hole just kept getting bigger and bigger and deeper and deeper as more time passed. I was never taught how to deal with these emotions of sadness and loneliness. I just remained in my own, safe, little isolated world. And now I am faced with the real world and it can be a big, sad, lonely place at times.
I want to be the person that says "sure go hang out with your friends and tell them I said 'hi'". I want to be able to trust him, because he has never really given me a reason not to. But I guess in the past, when I have left my guard down, is when I got hurt. So I am afraid. And nothing good will come from this fear. You cannot build a healthy relationship off of fear or mistrust. But I put these stupid ideas in my head. I think things like "am I really what he wants?" or "do I really make him as happy as he says I do?". Because what if I'm not and what if I don't? Maybe he will look for what he needs somewhere else? I think sometimes I hide behind his PTSD more then he does. I mean just because I read in one book that at times people who suffer from PTSD can have a hard time staying in a monogamous relationship because they were harmed by people who they were supposed to be able to trust, doesn't mean that it applies to EVERY PTSD sufferer. Now I am stereotyping. But maybe that's my way of passing the blame onto someone else. That it can't possibly be anything wrong with me. That I can't be the one with the "issues" of being alone. No no no no. It is easier to try to make sense out of blaming the person with the "label". And for that I am wrong.
I want to be a stronger person then I am right now. I was getting there, I really was. There was a time where I was beginning to let more and more people in and I had this wonderful support group. People that I could go to, be myself around, and not feel lonely with. But then something happened (again) and I found myself not being able to trust most of those people any longer. I let people in again and again I was hurt. And the cycle goes on and on and each time it happens my scars become deeper and deeper. So even though I claim to yern for people I can trust to fill my void, I am affraid to let anyone else in because I never know who I can really trust. It is a catch 22.

I need to write, so I write this. . .

I need to write. It takes the pain that is in me and puts it out in the open. Out into reality. I feel so alone right now. But I have no idea why, because my partner is only in the other room. But we haven't talked all day. In fact I cried myself to sleep last night, cried again in the morning after he left for 5 hours. Cried again when he came home, only to lock himself in our bedroom without saying a word to me. And now he is just down the hall and we still haven't talked.

I have no idea what is going on. We have been doing so well for a good amount of time now. He was supportive when I had to leave town to be with my mother, he was caring when I was injured at work and needed his help with day to day things. And now, it's all fallen apart somehow. I guess it could be a relapse. Not everything is going to be perfect all the time with a PTSD survivor. The horrible demons in his head will never be gone forever. I just feel into the idea that they might be subsiding more and more.

Well this weekend (actually the last couple days) has been a wake up call. Things have been hard. It makes it hard to be happy at all when I feel so distant from someone who is right here. And don't even get me started trying to figure out why he has such a hard time accepting that I did something nice for him. Today we were supposed to be driving out of town to see his favorite baseball team play tomorrow. It was part of his Birthday gift. I really put a lot of thought behind it and planned it months ago. But he has been defiant about going from the first day I gave him the tickets. Last night he told me I was being "too sensitive", told me "if I wanted to play hardball that he could play hard", he slept on the sofa and told me if I was going to be upset that he wasn't going to the game Sunday.

Why I am being punished? I have no idea. Why am I not aloud to express my feelings (good and bad) without there being some kind of retaliation? I DON'T UNDERSTAND. I am a good person. I can be sensitive at times, and I'm sure I'm not easy to understand all the time either. But above all of that, I love him with all my heart. And he has told me within the same day that he made me cry in the morning, that he loves me too and that he is so glad that I came into his life and that I have made a huge impact on his life. So why do I feel so bad right now? Why has it been almost one whole day since we have talked?

So why don't I try to talk to him, you might ask? Because I am afraid of how he will react. I am a afraid that while trying to express my feelings he will feel threatened. And then he will shut down all over again. And shut me out again. I don't know what else to do. So I write.