F-U PTSD!

I am so f***king angry right now. Why the hell do I put up with this shit? Look, it's one thing if you want to pick on me and let your shitty PTSD out on me. I can handle it. I have to handle it. But it's another when you constantly take it out on things that are important to me. Like my pets. Don't get me wrong, he never actually hurts them, but he doesn't know how to act properly with animals. He thinks he can treat them like little stuffed toys that are there for his amusement. But I've had my cats since they were 6 weeks old, and I never have treated them like that. I have never had them hiss at me or bite me or cower in front on me. But he constantly is doing things to them that piss them off and because they are innocent animals, it pisses me off to no end!!!!

What it really comes down to is that if he does actually "care" about anything, then nothing can hurt him. If you don't let something love you, then you can never be hurt by it. So what better way to do that then to push things anyway just enough so that you won't ever feel anything for them.

I am so angry right now. I could seriously throw something at him just to get him to leave me alone!!! I asked him to leave but he won't. He says I should leave because he pays the rent. That no one is making me stay with him. That I should just pack up my shit and leave him because "we have been together too long, and he doesn't need this shit anymore". He doesn't need this shit anymore??? REALLY??? HE DOESN'T NEED THIS SHIT ANYMORE??? WHAT THE HELL ABOUT ME!!!??? I NEVER ASKED FOR THIS SHIT IN THE FIRST PLACE. I never asked to fall in love with a man that suffers from PTSD. That suffers from things in his past that he can't ever change. I mean when we were younger, we didn't even live in the same country. So why is it now I have to continue to suffer through everything right along with him?? Why me? I grew up normal, in a normal home with normal parents and friends. I'm sorry that didn't happen for him, and if I could change it I would, BUT I CAN'T, SO WHY DO I HAVE TO FIGHT THIS FIGHT TOO?

I hate you PTSD, I hate you, I hate you, I HATE YOU!!!!

What do you do with a lie?

I am concerned that my partner has been lying to me and if I find out that he has been, what do I do? 

See we came to an agreement last weekend that he was going to start taking his full dose of his anxiety meds as apposed to the half dose that he had starting taking.  He started to take the half dose over 6 months ago and I have only seen bad things come from that.  He triggers way to easily on only a half pill and every weekend was like a walking on egg shells for me.  He was just acting so nasty towards me on this lower dose.  I actually got to the point of contacting a therapist to help me deal with his PTSD. 

Well after he stepped back and could see how badly he had been treating me he promised me that he would start taking his full dose of meds again.  For a couple days, I think he had been.  But then all of a sudden, he started "hidding" his meds in the drawer when before they sat out in the open on the counter.  He told me that "I was going to have to trust him" that he was taking a full pill still.  Well he started triggering again these past few days.  Plus he kept asking me if I had noticed a difference in him and that it was going to take awhile for the pills to kick in.  I feel like he has just become way to focused on if I am noticing anything different and he is hiding his dose from me. 

So this morning while he was out, I counted the pills in the bottle.  There are 21 whole pills and 9 halfs.  Over the next couple days I am going to count them before he gets home from work.  I absolutely hate not feeling like I can trust him, but I can't.  And what am I going to do if I find out that he has been lying to me???  I mean I just can't say "oh its ok, lets just start taking the right dose" and then just dismiss that he had been lying to me and hiding things from me.  I mean if he can hide that, then what else could he be hiding??  I do know, that if I find out that he has been lying, I will start to see the therapist because I honestly will be at the end of my line.  If he breaks my trust, what else will I be able to do??

Feels like a winner at a losing game. . .

Some days I just feel like crying.  I feel that way tonight.  I feel out of control in my mind, even though my outward appearance is calm and quite.  I have a longing inside to feel loved.  To feel loved by the man that I have fallen in love with.  Some days it is so hard to feel his love.  Even though it may seen like nothing is wrong, I feel so alone inside.  I just want someone, him, to come and hold me and be "normal", if that even makes sense. 

I mean what is normal anyways?  I was married and divorced, and before I was divorced I thought that life was what normal was.  But then it wasn't, it was bruised and scarred and eventually fell apart.  And now in this new relationship with my man, and his PTSD, it feels completely different.  Different in good ways and in ways that I can't explain.  I know that he loves me with his whole being but it is just so hard to feel.   I don't think he even realizes how alone I can feel at times even though he is right there with me.  He is always so focused on himself.  I'm just supposed to be strong and keep moving forward everyday.  And I do.  All you can do is keep moving forward, but I just wish I didn't have to feel so alone.  I have this man, this man that if he asked I would marry.  But my biggest fear is that he will never ask.  The PTSD won't let him.  And I'm afraid that's not what I want for myself.  I want to be married again and even have a child with him.  But if that day never comes, then what exactly am I living for?  Certainly not myself, right?  I mean I can only put his needs before mine for so long.  I don't want to loose myself.  You can never get back lost time.

So I don't know what to do.  I want to just lay everything out on the table and tell him EXACTLY how I feel, but I know we will fight.  The PTSD and me.  It will take him over.  It will not let him answer my questions.  It will consume the conversation and nothing will be solved.  And then I will have a whole new mess to deal with.  And my original feelings will be pushed aside again and again and again and become even more lost time.  Sometimes I feel like life is like an hour glass and everyday you are struggling not to run out of sand.  But life shouldn't be a struggle and love should be easy, right?  I mean, I guess so.  Marriage is work, but if you have love, it makes things flow a little better even in the hardest times.  I think?

I feel like the night is swallowing me up and forcing my tears out.  I have no idea why I feel so down.  It scares me in away.  It makes me feel so small.  So sad.

I feel so alone and out of control

I feel so alone right now.  I have no one to talk to, at least no one who will understand.  Because no one can understand why I would stay with a man that treats me so bad sometimes.  I love him so much, and I try so hard to walk the line between what is good for him and what I need for myself.  I give up a lot of who I am by being with him.  He hurts my feelings and at times doesn't treat me as his equal.  Instead I am just someone who lives here with him.  Some days, like today, it is so hard to feel his love.  He tells me one day that he "lives for me" and then within a blink of an eye he is putting me down.  Whether it's telling me what I should or shouldn't wear, or how I should do my hair, to forgetting to pay bills and then trying to blame his lake of responsibility on me.  I am just so sad inside.  I put on such a mask to so many people, including myself.  I have become one of those stupid, STUPID women that stay with a man who beats them.  They say it is because "he really does love me".  I am that stupid girl.  I am weak.  I am afraid to be without him.  I'm afraid that he will turn into another one of my failures if I give up on us.  He tries to tell me that I am controlling, that I don't let him do anything.  But I am the one that gets left at home when he leaves me, I am the one who's feelings get hurt when he doesn't like the way I've dressed or is made to feel ungrateful when I am tried at the end of the day and don't want to make him, his dinner and so on.  I walk on eggshells so often.  I am, at times, afraid to be me, just to avoid a day like today.  Yesterday when I bought the new shorts that I got, I knew he wouldn't like them.  But I did. I DID.  So I bought them anyways.  And as soon as I put them on I get a dirty look and I am told that I need to dress my age and don't wear things that are so short.  And then heaven forbid I do my hair any differently because he will be blatantly honest about how he doesn't like the way it looks either.  And he can be so rude to me.  I swear there are times he cares more about baseball scores then being on a date with me.  I forget trying to have an intimate moment together.  If I can convince him to come to bed with me, I then have to "do" everything, never having my needs met.  I have no idea some days why I stay.  I tell myself that he is getting better, or that most the time it is not my fault but at times like right now, that doesn't heal my breaking heart.  He is supposed to be the one that comforts me when I am feeling down.  To tell me I look pretty or to make me feel special and loved.  But I feel like I am the one who has to do that for the both of us all the time.  I don't know what to do.  This entry must seem so desperate.  So sad.

Going out for dinner, and wound up in OZ

Well things did not go as planned tonight.   It seems like every time I get up on a Friday and tell myself "I hope it's going to be a good weekend", it usually doesn't turn out that way.  I think I jinks myself or something.  Maybe I should just start wishing for a bad weekend and then the opposite of that will happen too?

This was the angriest I have seen him get in awhile.  There was tension throughout our whole dinner.  For the most part we did just talk and enjoy each other, but the restaurant was busy and the service was bad and he was very hungry.  That was the first ingredient for the recipe of a evening that would end badly.  Then on the way home he began to tell me how I ruined the night and how ungrateful I am.  Then on top of that he purposely started driving erratically to scare me.  When we finally got home he went to the door, unlocked it, and turn and left.  As I heard his tires squealing I couldn't help but cry.  (Oh yeah and he reminded me in an early conversation of how he felt I was weak because I cry).  

But I know that I am not weak.  I am a strong, loving, good hearted person, who, when in love, loves with all her heart.  That's why I cry after his outbursts.  Because I know he doesn't mean them and I know he loves me, but sometimes it just all makes my cup overflow.  I can only take so much.  It's like having an emotional gas tank.  I can hold a certain amount of ill feelings, but if you continue to fill me up with them, I will overflow.  Cause and effect.

I really try so hard not to trigger him.  I smile when I don't want to.  I hold down my anger when it's really hard to.  I curb my body language as much as I can when I need to.  But sometimes there is no force in the world that is strong enough to keep his triggers at bay.

But I stay.  That is how I know I am strong, because I stay.  It would be easy to throw in the towel and in a couple of months forget that I even had a relationship with him.  But that's not what I want.  I want him in all his forms, for always.  I have a secret vow in my heart, to never give up on us.  Because beneath it all.  Beneath all the pain and hurt and crazies that goes on in his head, he loves me on a level that know one else ever has.  And I love him on a level even higher then that, because I won't give up.  Period.

Signing a lease, going to a concert, Mother's Day and moving in a week. More stress? Yes, please!

If I make it through this weekend in one piece or at least without having to take any meds, it will be amazing. And I do hope to amaze myself because that means I am learning. There is so much going on in these next few weeks, that I am personally stressed out about, that having to deal with his stressors on top of it will be a challenge.

We are moving into a new apartment next week and going to sign off on everything this morning. And then later on this evening we are going to our first concert together. So far the only thing that has been rough is dealing with the moving. He really hasn't mentioned that much about the concert. I hope that is a good thing. I know we will enjoy it as long as it doesn't become too over stimulating.

Then tomorrow is Mother's Day. So far he hasn't made any references to any of his feelings about the holiday but I'm sure he must be missing his mom. He lost her so tragically so many years ago, but it still haunts him every year. Luckily my mom doesn't live in the same state so tomorrow should pretty much go by like any other day. No dinners with mom or anything like that to set off any triggers.

I guess maybe I'm just bracing myself this morning by writing here now. Part of me thinks its a good thing and the other part of me wonders if I am just setting myself up to fail? I guess only time will tell. Good luck to us!

Trying to understand and having it back-fire in my face!

Ok so we just finished watching a movie called "The Dry Land". It is about a solder that comes back from the Middle East and his struggles to re-adjust to everyday life. During the whole movie it is very apparent that he suffers from PTSD. (This movie was suggested to me by one of the PTSD Facebook pages I follow). It was a good look at the beginning stages of this mental disorder. All and all my boyfriend and I liked it. He even told me that he liked it because it reminded him of his past struggles and that he was glad that I was taking an interest in trying to understand him more and more.

Well then something started to take a turn. He started asking me "why I was with him" and that "I could find someone more normal if I wanted to". I told him I was with him because I loved the man he was and that PTSD didn't define him. And that no one is really "normal". That we all have our issues. After that we started to watch the news. A story came on about a girl that was held against her will by 4 boys while two of them raped her. I began to tell him that, that's why I get scared sometimes. That I don't trust anyone and that I feel like he couldn't completely understand because I felt it was different for a man to understand then a woman. We tried to have a conversation about that and we both got a little defensive. I tried to back off but it was too late. He started to tell me that I always did this. That I never let him finish anything. That I always said stuff to piss him off. Then he stormed off and slammed the bedroom door behind him. So I went into the other room and got online to "go to OZ", my happy place. I figured that would be the last that I would see him tonight but instead he came back in the room I was in and with a raised voice, asked me why I always seemed to piss him off? That for the last three nights he has went to bed mad. I could tell there was no way we were going to have a civil conversation, so I told him I didn't want to discuss it right now. Then he again told me how mad I always make him. I didn't say anything in response. He then asked me why I was ignoring him. So I told him that I heard everything that he had told me but that I didn't have a response for him right now. So off to bed he went and here I sit.

So now I find myself wondering if watching the movie was a good idea at all? That maybe things like this were better off for me to do alone. I think it hit a trigger in him inadvertently. Sometimes I feel like I can't win for losing. But one thing is that I feel like I am starting to handle these outbursts better and better as more time goes by.